Confidence is a fragile, uncertain quality. At times when I'm the most confident, or the least; often I cannot discern why. What I do know is I never display my best when my confidence is low :( .
Recently, my insecurity at an all time high, (for no apparent reason), I suddenly had a bout of uncertainty about my wife's devotion. My imagination ran wild and I was sure she had no interest in me any longer and in fact fancied another. I was devasted.
Keep in mind, this was a story written by me, read by me and believed by only me. For days I stewed in this boiling pot of emotions. I was sullen, preoccupied and vacant. I had trouble functioning. Heading off to work each day took so much effort by the time I arrived I was exhausted. When I arrived home I was bereft.
While my body and spirit were completely depressed and silent, my mind raced. I added adjectives and illustrations to my story. This was not only a believable tragedy; it was inevitable.
After a couple of days (that felt like weeks), my wife asked what was going on with me.
I mustered all the courage I had and shared with her what I had discovered. Once I gave the drama a voice, it spewed out of me, unstoppable until the lump in my throat gave way to sobs.
Quite obviously my wife found my drama unbelievable. As much as I had lived the reality for the past number of days, she shook her head at the creativity of my work of fiction and refused to consider it.
"What can I do?" The simplicity of her question calmed me. What coud she do? Well, quite obviously nothing, because she had done nothing to create the drama.
I was ashamed. As my insecurity began to dissolve in her arms my embarassment grew. What had been a crushing reality in my mind only moments before became a crazy notion within minutes. There was nothing in the reality of our 20+ years together to support my drama. The flush of humility rose in me as I considered the craziness I had entertained over the past few days.
I had totally abandoned the reality of our love and replaced it with a work of fiction. I had lived completely in my head and ignored everything around me. My mind is a powerful force.
Over the next week I swallowed my pride and allowed my wife to forgive my preoccupation. I focused on her love and forgiveness and transformed my shame into humility. I let her love me in spite of my imperfections and I was gentle with myself as I gingerly stepped back into our life flow.
When old insecurities and judgements crawl into my consciousness I will trust what I know to be true and dismiss thoughts that do not support my confident self. I am meant to be wonderful. I believe I am loved. I deserve the best and that's what I married.
