Confidence is something I’ve always linked to my faith. It has been easy to have confidence because I have faith things are unfolding. I’ve not required any specific outcomes and have let the unfolding happen without measures of right or wrong, this or that. I’ve always been ok with what is. My faith has been unchallenged.
It’s not that tough things haven’t happened; growing up with a mentally ill father, choosing myself over a bad marriage, walking with my children through all that that meant, when my sister was killed in an accident,,,,,there have certainly been lots of emotions to process and grief to express. Regardless though, my faith is solid.
So, what’s happening now? Is the melancholy something to be inquired about or accepted as part of the unfolding? I guess it’s because my personality is normally upbeat, lively; happy. The melancholy feels unusual for me. I’m a little uncomfortable in this place.
Maybe the lesson is to “be” not trying to shift out of this place but breathing into it. That thought gives me pause. Although I can’t explain it, that thought feels right.
I am going to stay in my faith, accept that melancholy is where I’m meant to be right now.
Sunday, September 27, 2009
Friday, September 11, 2009
Having the last word....
A dear friend challenged me last night by saying “You’re just like my husband. You always have the last word and you always have something to say about something!”
Even though I love her husband, I’d never thought that he and I were alike. In fact, there have been times over the years when I’ve been very frustrated with him. What to do with this comment? There would be no need to do anything if I wasn’t intrigued. When comments roll off my back often there is no lesson to be had. When I have a reaction; well, that’s my sign that there is a lesson waiting for me to discover. I used to dread these reactions, now I’m so curious about it.
It’s quite something for me to think about doing my inner work on this blog for whoknowswho to see! It’s also amazing how life’s events intertwine to make sense eventually. lol
During the spirituality game we played Wednesday this week I drew a card that said, “You don’t easily talk about yourself. Why?” I asked, “Is this my card to deal with at this time?” and rolled the die. It said “yes”. Through the contemplation and interaction that followed I began to see that I am a much easier listener for others than talker about myself. Although I hadn’t been conscious of it, I do hold back talking about myself. Fine to acknowledge that ~ but the why still hung in the air.
I feel my friend’s comment last night was directly related to this work, even though she wasn’t at the spirituality game and had no knowledge that I’d been working with this issue.
I am blessed with quick wit, so often my comments elicit laughter and I like that. It feels good. Sometimes my comments are insightful – I like that too. Often my comments are in defence of myself. I think that’s related to lingering self esteem issues and feeling I need to prove my worth or value. I’m good at that as well – and here sits another connection – in therapy I’ve been working with just “being” and not so much “doing”; of course that’s related to value as well and the belief that I need to deliver to value myself.
Another connection to my therapeutic work that came up in the game was breathing. Often as my awareness increases I find myself not breathing fully. And then, as I take a full breath I am immediately aware of so many more things in the now; the floor under my feet, the temperature of the air, any sounds that may be occurring. In therapy I’ve been working with this in terms of “just breathe” or be, rather than moving to action. In the game it became clear that I move quickly to action, even without all the facts….I’m encouraged to “take a breath, ask, get the facts”, resist action.
My friend’s comment last night shone another light onto these realities. When I’m snapping out the one liner and commenting on everything in our poker game; that’s action. I could take a breath and consider if a comment is warranted. I may still decide to toss out my wit, but it would be a choice not a defensive habit.
Thank you my friend for your honest and forthright comments. I love that about you and you’ve gifted me especially last night as my understanding and awareness is deepening.
Even though I love her husband, I’d never thought that he and I were alike. In fact, there have been times over the years when I’ve been very frustrated with him. What to do with this comment? There would be no need to do anything if I wasn’t intrigued. When comments roll off my back often there is no lesson to be had. When I have a reaction; well, that’s my sign that there is a lesson waiting for me to discover. I used to dread these reactions, now I’m so curious about it.
It’s quite something for me to think about doing my inner work on this blog for whoknowswho to see! It’s also amazing how life’s events intertwine to make sense eventually. lol
During the spirituality game we played Wednesday this week I drew a card that said, “You don’t easily talk about yourself. Why?” I asked, “Is this my card to deal with at this time?” and rolled the die. It said “yes”. Through the contemplation and interaction that followed I began to see that I am a much easier listener for others than talker about myself. Although I hadn’t been conscious of it, I do hold back talking about myself. Fine to acknowledge that ~ but the why still hung in the air.
I feel my friend’s comment last night was directly related to this work, even though she wasn’t at the spirituality game and had no knowledge that I’d been working with this issue.
I am blessed with quick wit, so often my comments elicit laughter and I like that. It feels good. Sometimes my comments are insightful – I like that too. Often my comments are in defence of myself. I think that’s related to lingering self esteem issues and feeling I need to prove my worth or value. I’m good at that as well – and here sits another connection – in therapy I’ve been working with just “being” and not so much “doing”; of course that’s related to value as well and the belief that I need to deliver to value myself.
Another connection to my therapeutic work that came up in the game was breathing. Often as my awareness increases I find myself not breathing fully. And then, as I take a full breath I am immediately aware of so many more things in the now; the floor under my feet, the temperature of the air, any sounds that may be occurring. In therapy I’ve been working with this in terms of “just breathe” or be, rather than moving to action. In the game it became clear that I move quickly to action, even without all the facts….I’m encouraged to “take a breath, ask, get the facts”, resist action.
My friend’s comment last night shone another light onto these realities. When I’m snapping out the one liner and commenting on everything in our poker game; that’s action. I could take a breath and consider if a comment is warranted. I may still decide to toss out my wit, but it would be a choice not a defensive habit.
Thank you my friend for your honest and forthright comments. I love that about you and you’ve gifted me especially last night as my understanding and awareness is deepening.
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
In anticipation of a great day.....
Tomorrow I have a BIG day.
I planned six weeks ago to have friends over to play a spirituality game that I like. Four people signed up and we will begin at 10:30 and end at 2:30. I am looking forward to it.
Then, out of the blue, friends from high school emailed last week and asked if they could come for a visit tomorrow! What are the chances? I can’t tell you how many days I am here by myself in my PJ’s all day. What do they say – “it never rains but it pours”.
What’s on my mind tonight isn’t the work that needs to be done to prepare lunch for 5 and then dinner for a different 5 on the same day….not quite sure how it’s going to happen – just sure that it will. Nope, what’s on my mind is the emotional toll the spirituality game sometimes takes. It’s always a very useful process, it’s just that I find myself vulnerable and shaky sometimes after and with friends here I’ve not been intimate with in years…well….it’s interesting it’s all happening tomorrow.
I trust that the day is meant to unfold this way. I am pleased about the game and I’m also pleased old friends are dropping by. So….if I stay in the now – which is the purpose of this writing….then everything is just as it should be and I’m looking forward with anticipation to tomorrow.
I planned six weeks ago to have friends over to play a spirituality game that I like. Four people signed up and we will begin at 10:30 and end at 2:30. I am looking forward to it.
Then, out of the blue, friends from high school emailed last week and asked if they could come for a visit tomorrow! What are the chances? I can’t tell you how many days I am here by myself in my PJ’s all day. What do they say – “it never rains but it pours”.
What’s on my mind tonight isn’t the work that needs to be done to prepare lunch for 5 and then dinner for a different 5 on the same day….not quite sure how it’s going to happen – just sure that it will. Nope, what’s on my mind is the emotional toll the spirituality game sometimes takes. It’s always a very useful process, it’s just that I find myself vulnerable and shaky sometimes after and with friends here I’ve not been intimate with in years…well….it’s interesting it’s all happening tomorrow.
I trust that the day is meant to unfold this way. I am pleased about the game and I’m also pleased old friends are dropping by. So….if I stay in the now – which is the purpose of this writing….then everything is just as it should be and I’m looking forward with anticipation to tomorrow.
Sunday, September 6, 2009
Remembering to be in the now...............
Last week I called the Alzheimer’s Association in Huron County and talked to them about what services are available for my mom. At the time it seemed like an unemotional event and I recorded all the information and said I would wait for them to mail the package to me before deciding what further steps to take.
The material arrived Friday. Now I am emotional. I have a lump in my throat as I write this but I’m not sure what the source of my sadness is. Easy would be to say it’s because I’ll be losing my mom, but as I reflected in therapy a few weeks ago, I don’t feel like I’ve ever really known her.
If I look back, it seems that she’s been the person her partners expected her to be. I’m not sure who mom would have been without my dad or Roy. Maybe it’s not even fair to wonder about it, because who would any of us be without our spouses; likely different than we are with them? Nevertheless, I find myself wondering about who she really is, just at the time when even she’s not likely to know.
I called her last week and talked about my seeking information and help for Roy so that he has support. She said she thought it was a good idea. She said she feels so lost when she can’t remember things he wants her to remember. She said, “I want to, but I just can’t and then I feel that I’ve really disappointed him.” She added, “So often I find things in the fridge that I forgot were there and they need to be thrown out and that really bothers me.”
This last statement makes me smile in spite of myself. Our fridge at home was always home to many “growing” things that eventually had to be thrown out. Usually it was one of my older sisters breaking down and purging the fridge when they couldn’t stand it any longer. I wonder if it bothered mom then as well, she just wasn’t in touch with that because she was so busy earning a living and feeding and clothing seven kids?
I’m not sure about any of that, but I am sure I love her and Roy and I will do what I can to help them journey through what will likely be the last chapter in their brief life together. I am aware of the blessing I’ve received not being employed full time right now. I am looking forward to knowing her now.
The material arrived Friday. Now I am emotional. I have a lump in my throat as I write this but I’m not sure what the source of my sadness is. Easy would be to say it’s because I’ll be losing my mom, but as I reflected in therapy a few weeks ago, I don’t feel like I’ve ever really known her.
If I look back, it seems that she’s been the person her partners expected her to be. I’m not sure who mom would have been without my dad or Roy. Maybe it’s not even fair to wonder about it, because who would any of us be without our spouses; likely different than we are with them? Nevertheless, I find myself wondering about who she really is, just at the time when even she’s not likely to know.
I called her last week and talked about my seeking information and help for Roy so that he has support. She said she thought it was a good idea. She said she feels so lost when she can’t remember things he wants her to remember. She said, “I want to, but I just can’t and then I feel that I’ve really disappointed him.” She added, “So often I find things in the fridge that I forgot were there and they need to be thrown out and that really bothers me.”
This last statement makes me smile in spite of myself. Our fridge at home was always home to many “growing” things that eventually had to be thrown out. Usually it was one of my older sisters breaking down and purging the fridge when they couldn’t stand it any longer. I wonder if it bothered mom then as well, she just wasn’t in touch with that because she was so busy earning a living and feeding and clothing seven kids?
I’m not sure about any of that, but I am sure I love her and Roy and I will do what I can to help them journey through what will likely be the last chapter in their brief life together. I am aware of the blessing I’ve received not being employed full time right now. I am looking forward to knowing her now.
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Anniversary muse.....
Having committed to our 20th anniversary trip in January 2010, my wife and I are now intent on imagining the details and remembering our first trip there in 1990. Through these sparks our relationship has been ignited into a roaring fire the like of which we haven’t felt in many years!
I’m amazed at my capacity lately for daydreaming in vivid colour and surround sound. Not only that, I can actually feel the ocean breeze on my face and through my hair when I’m not gazing into green eyes that first captured my attention in the late 80’s.
I used to accept that the passion and lust that exist in the early days of a relationship can’t be recaptured. I used to believe that there were better experiences based in trust, longevity and shared histories. I understood that these gifts were better than lust and lasted longer. I marched to that tune without question; felt safe in the belief actually.
The last couple of weeks have changed my belief window regarding lust in long term relationships.
Since we have committed to “us” by booking this trip, it’s like we lit a match and tossed it into lighter fluid. We can’t get enough of each other and not only that – when we succumb to our fleshly desires – I can’t remember it ever being any better than it is now! I am so surprised and appreciative of this new knowledge!
I am convinced it is in the honouring of each other, the appreciation and gratitude for our relationship and the expectation of what lies ahead that we are blessed with renewed vigour!
I don’t expect this fire to roar continuously. Of course it will need to be fed and attended to, and sometimes – there may be no fuel for it. But as long as it lasts, I plan to bask in the glow. I am blessed in this moment and I am grateful.
I’m amazed at my capacity lately for daydreaming in vivid colour and surround sound. Not only that, I can actually feel the ocean breeze on my face and through my hair when I’m not gazing into green eyes that first captured my attention in the late 80’s.
I used to accept that the passion and lust that exist in the early days of a relationship can’t be recaptured. I used to believe that there were better experiences based in trust, longevity and shared histories. I understood that these gifts were better than lust and lasted longer. I marched to that tune without question; felt safe in the belief actually.
The last couple of weeks have changed my belief window regarding lust in long term relationships.
Since we have committed to “us” by booking this trip, it’s like we lit a match and tossed it into lighter fluid. We can’t get enough of each other and not only that – when we succumb to our fleshly desires – I can’t remember it ever being any better than it is now! I am so surprised and appreciative of this new knowledge!
I am convinced it is in the honouring of each other, the appreciation and gratitude for our relationship and the expectation of what lies ahead that we are blessed with renewed vigour!
I don’t expect this fire to roar continuously. Of course it will need to be fed and attended to, and sometimes – there may be no fuel for it. But as long as it lasts, I plan to bask in the glow. I am blessed in this moment and I am grateful.
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