So interesting.....

Thanksgiving.  My menopause brain was compromised this year and I mixed up our babysitting commitments with turkey weekend.  I told everyone we were busy this year.  By the time I realized my mistake, Ky and were feeling thankful we had nothing to do!

A free long weekend.  I quickly committed to our weekly poker crew that we would play Monday night and as it turns out – they are all available.  Liz and Laura will come early for dinner.  Texted Roo and Michael about a tournament in Windsor Sunday night – they are in!  Chris texted and asked if we could watch Joey while he and Tash went shopping Saturday – perfect.  Nothing to do be damned ;)  .

Michael arrived at 3:10 sharp on Sunday afternoon and we headed to pick up Roo at the 401 and Col Talbot.  It was a quick two hour trip to the Casino and we filled the drive with stories about grandkids, the US election, and prep for our tournament.  Roo had her cheat sheets printed out and poured over them; pausing frequently to seek clarity from Ky.  I did my best to jump in with my advice – yet the questions continued to be prefaced by “Ky?”…wtf….lol.  I love our friendship with these two.

When we arrived Ky and Roo headed upstairs to the Poker Room, Michael went to get a Rewards Card which he needed to register for the tournament, and I cruised the casino floor.  I chose my seat, fed in $40, spun a few times and hit a bonus; $199.  Smiling broadly I made my way upstairs and by 6:15 we were in our seats waiting for the tournament to begin.

Michael was at table 73 while Roo, Ky and I drew for table 75.  With our $65 on the line we each took in the competition, assessing our table mates while we waited for our cards.  71 entrants.  Mostly men; maybe 7 or 8 women – four at our table.  A chatty guy between Roo and I commented that “usually I’m looking at ugly mugs around the table – this is different”.  I took in his comment, realizing he was being friendly and he didn’t seem to know how to engage with women without referring to appearance.  So interesting.

As the cards were being shuffled a women approaches our table with her chips and a paper in hand.    She smiles at the table demurely, “I’ve brought my paper with me.  Can I keep it on the table so I know what hands win?!” she giggled, sliding into the seat beside Ky.  My eyes meet Ky’s, and her’s widened slightly.  Great.  “I’m just here to have fun!” she continued.  She looked at Ky; “It’s a friendly game right?”  Ky shrugged, “Sure.”  “My husband’s right there” pointing at table 74.  “We were just down stairs and heard about this and thought – what they heck!  Let’s do it!”  I am feeling irritated.  I am aware Roo, Ky and the other serious woman at the table are not impressed either.  I’m observing the interactions and realizing, this is what is expected of women; – too much talking, a flip of hair, seeking approval, deferring to men, giggling…..superficial “noise”.  Not substance, not focus on the game, not serious competition.  So interesting.

I raise the pot and everyone folds except her.  She flips her chips in, “It’s just a friendly game right?”  She looks down the table at me.  “What the hey!” she giggles.  The flop comes and I bet again.  Another call.  I’ve got it, and I’m feeling confident.  She calls again.  I’m curious what she might have.  On the river I bet the pot.  “Hmmmmm” she muses, toying with her chips.  Finally she slides her cards into the muck, “Ok, you look pretty serious.  I guess I’ll fold.  You must have it.”  I muck my cards and scoop the chips.  “Gosh, you guys are so serious,” she continues.  “I thought it was just a friendly game.”  Not wanting to appear as aloof as I felt, I place my thumb on my nose and wave my fingers at her, smiling.  That elicited laughs all around and she also smiled, “That’s better!”.  Yep, it’s better that the women are acting silly.  So interesting.

Ky followed my lead then, leaning toward her table mate and advising, “See the size of that ring on her finger?  She’s always got it.”  Wink.  More laughs around the table.  Everyone sliding into their roles.  So interesting.

The games moves on.  Chips sliding to and fro.  Cards being mucked.

Ky raises and is called.  The flop comes, she raises again, seriously, a big bet.  The table quiets.  He calls quickly and Roo and I exchange glances.  What’s she got?  The turn, another big bet – now she only has about two thousand back and there must be twenty k in the pot.  He just calls.  The river.  Ky shoves her two k.  He pauses.  I’m shocked.  You only have to call 2 k buddy – what are you waiting for??  He folds.  Everyone is surprised.  The dealer shoves the chips towards Ky.  “Show your cards.” He says.  I’m confused.  She doesn’t have to show.  He folded.  Ky flips over her full house Q’s full of J’s.  She leans forward so that she’s looking square at the dealer.  “Why did you tell me to show my cards?”  He’s silent.  They guy beside Roo and I says, “He folded.  You didn’t have to show your cards.”  So helpful.  Ky levels her eyes in his direction.  “I know that.”  She turns her head back to the dealer.  “I want to know why you said show my cards.”  He shifts in his chair nervously.  “I was just curious.”  He offers lamely.  Ky stacks her chips, not taking her eyes off the dealer.  “I highly doubt you would have told a man to show his cards.”  “It’s over” one of the other guys mutters.  “There’s nothing he can do now.”  “He could apologize.” Is Ky’s measured response.  Silence all round.  So interesting.

Again the friendly guy quietly says to Roo and I, “she didn’t have to show” as if that made any difference.  I set my ante across the line and looked to my left, “Remember how you said there are often no women here?  That’s why.  He would never have told a man to show his cards.”  Then I turned toward the dealer, “It’s never too late to adjust though.”  He ignored me.  So interesting.

The man who was in the pot with Ky is taken out.  A new man comes to fill his spot.  I’m the big blind.  7,6 hearts.  The woman beside Ky puts in a small raise and I call.  It’s the two of us again.  The flop comes and I hit my six.  I bet.  She calls.  I check the turn and she does as well. The river comes and she shoves all in.  It’s only two K more – I’ve got seven k in the pot.  She looks nervous.  She’s not talking. Lol.  I call.  She turns over a 5 and I take my chips.  “The ring.” Ky says with a tilt of her head.  There are more glances around the table but no one laughs.  She called with a pair of sixes??  Women aren’t supposed to make tough calls.  My nemesis scurries off to tell her husband the bad news.  “Nice hand.” Says the friendly man to my left.  So interesting.

The fourth woman at our table has her Aces cracked and leaves.  Another man, a late entry, fills her seat and sets down his 7.5 k.  The cards are dealt.  I look down at A,Q.  My heart beats faster.  I’m the big blind.  There are a few callers, including the new guy.  When it comes to me I raise the pot.  Quick folds all round except for him.  The flop comes 8,8,K.  I bet; he calls.  The turn hits my A.  I check; he bets; I call.  The river is a brick.  I check.  He shoves all in and as people look away from the play expecting a fold, I clearly state, “I call.”  Attention quickly come back to the table.  He looks at me shocked.  This time when the new dealer says to him “show your cards, she called” it’s accurate.  He turns over nothing and I flip over my A, Q.  Roo quickly says, “Nice hand Deb.”  Ky nods her approval, and as he leaves she deadpans to the table, “Guess he didn’t notice her ring.”  Laughter all round.  Couple more guys say, “Nice call.”  It’s break time.

After the break Roo is eliminated as she pushes her short stack.  (Good play – just didn’t work this time.)  She approaches Ky to collect a book from her backpack and heads to the café to read.  It’s about 10 pm I think.  Shortly after that, I make a bad call, then try to get creative with pocket 6’s and before you know it I’m out.  Ky and Michael continue on.

I head back to the casino and slide $20 into a new machine.  The first spin hits a bonus - $395 the lady beside me smiles and advises me to take the win and not give it all back.  I smile as well.  I text Ky the good news and print the ticket.

Around 11:00 Ky texts that she’s out.  Her K’s were cracked by A,Q.  There are about 18 people left – including Michael.  We meet in the café and commiserate about Ky’s last few hands.  Roo will continue with her book, Ky and I head back to the slots.  I give Ky the ticket for $395 to take home, and play with the $199.

Michael also goes out with K’s!  He made the final table – so proud!!  Unfortunately, it’s the top 8 who get paid and so his reward is only the knowledge of how well he played to pass 61 other players and finish in the top 10.

Roo treats us to a midnight dinner at Legends where we celebrate the Jays victory and Michael’s poker prowess. 

We pull away from Caesars at 12:53 a.m.  The drive home is quiet as Roo sleeps and Michael catches up on his phone.  I too nod off as Ky navigates the pylons and construction on the 401.  By the time we crawl into bed it’s after 3 and sleep descends quickly.

Today, I’m left with my thoughts about our societal norms and my place as a soon to be crone.  I continue to be amazed at the things I’ve not noticed before now.   That leaves me with much patience for others as I continue to learn.  That’s this morning ~ in reflection.  Last night, I must confess I had moments of impatience at the table.  So interesting.

Linda

I remember her as the oldest.  She was serious and a little untouchable for me.  She had long black hair.  I remember the hair because she would lay it over the ironing board and “press” it sometimes before she went out.  Shiny, straight, flowing, black hair.  I thought she was beautiful.  At one time we shared a room and she decorated it with creative talent – the beautiful flowered material she made the drapes with, she then cropped and attached to the front of the dresser drawers.  I was very impressed! 

I knew she was courageous, even though I was quite young.  I had proof.  One day, when dad was in the washroom she crept outside with a pail of water.  Positioning herself exactly right, she swept her arms back, and then forward.  The water hurled from the pail perfectly toward the window and made a strange noise as in flew through the screen.  The next sound was a startled scream from the man we all feared.  She had actually thrown a pail of water on our dad!  I couldn’t believe my eyes.  It wasn’t long after I saw her sprinting across the lawn and toward town.  She was courageous and certainly not stupid enough to hang around for the aftermath!

I think I was almost 8 when she got married and left.  Of course I saw her after that when they came to visit – with their precious new baby boy, then his oh so expressive sister.  I remember Linda as an attentive, conscientious mother.  Huey and Angie were always dressed in lovely outfits and they played together as best friends.  I don’t actually remember seeing them one without the other!

Sisters.  The word conjures up so many visuals, expectations; fantasies.   My reality was separateness, longing, and childhood memories fraught, disjointed; filled with the chaos that was our life then.

This week though, much of that was transformed. 

Linda had arrived in Ontario July 4 for a four week holiday.  Mostly, understandably, she would spend time with her children and grandkids in Brantford.  I had not expected to see her much beyond our family picnic at our brother, Danny’s place.  That was a lovely time.  Her son and daughter came with her grandkids – it was great to see everyone.  It was “family time” with lots of laughter and good food.  The following week, Ky and I drove to Carol’s one night to connect and I was satisfied.  We’d had our usual, polite visit and I wasn’t expecting more.  

Then, Linda made a choice to come to our home for a few days.  Ky was scheduled to be up North for the week and so it was just Linda and I.  I was glad she was here, but at the same time I wasn’t quite sure what to expect.  We’d never actually spent much time alone together as adults.  What would we talk about?  What did we have in common?

Our time was casual, somewhat cautious initially.  As the days unfolded we talked more, sat longer and relaxed.  I saw myself in her.  “Debbie, would you like your feet rubbed?” she offered.  I quickly responded “no thanks” without thinking about it.  It was something I would offer. 

She spent time ironing our laundry and although she stated how much she loved ironing, I experienced it as an expression of her love as well.  There was something intimate and innately kind about her picking up our things and smoothing them out with her hand before sliding the hot iron over them.  Then, deliberately, things were folded carefully and set in a neat pile. 

I felt her vulnerability.  I listened as she shared her thoughts, reflections, feelings and fears.  I saw myself in her.  I talked about myself in response to her questions and she listened.  Many times she mused, “I never knew that.”

We drove through Brucefield and looked at our old house.  We bought an ice cream at the Farmers’ Dell.  “I worked here too you know …….. for two days!” she offered between licks of her cone and with raised eye brows for expression.  I saw myself in her.  Watching her, I was aware of a tug in my heart.  Perhaps she was not untouchable for me.  Maybe we could connect.

We talked more.  She made me dinner.  I made her dinner.  We shared more.  We hugged. 

I saw myself in her.  I had compassion.  I felt her appreciation.  I admired her.  I felt loved.  My heart expanded and I saw her.  I loved her.

The day before Ky returned and Linda would leave I was able to tell her what was happening for me.  I was falling in love.  Not unlike my experience when Raymond was born; I was so surprised by the depth of my caring and the unconditional nature of the bond.

Our love was always there I think, a seed of potential buried in the dark soil of our childhood….sprouting now, fresh, new and eager.  

Joey's Daddy

May 13, 2016

Texts

10:48 a.m. - “4 cm dilated.  Things progressing.  Tash just said she can do it and has been so positive since contractions started.  Every contraction has a purpose.  Midwife says everything going great.”  

4:58 pm “8 cm. active.” 

5:08 pm “Hard to watch her in pain.  Getting a little emotional.  Trying to keep in together for her.”

5:13 pm “By a little, I mean a lot…..but we can do it.”

8:02 pm “I don’t know how she’s doing it.  Very brave and committed.” 

11:19 pm “Joey is here”  

12:56 pm “He’s perfect”

May 14

1:01 am – “Pretty amazing.  Tash is one strong woman.  Can’t believe what she just did.  We’re just getting ready to weigh him.”

1:59 am – “7 lbs 21 in.  Just a little guy.”

2:13 am – “I will call in the a.m.  Love u”

When I started this post I had intended to add commentary – but it’s perfect as is.

The Table

It is 2008.  Ky’s dad has died. 

He had re-connected with Ky just a few years earlier.   My experience of Bill was one of a tender, gentle man who felt deeply toward his children. He was kind to me and without exception, whenever we were in his presence he would wrap me in a bear hug and hold tight.  I felt his gratitude in those hugs; his celebration of the love Ky and I shared, and his acceptance. 

Ky’s relationship as his daughter was one of distance and hurt.  He left his family early on and when they were together for visits the alcohol always blurred the experience.  As I watched her navigate his passing and the reality that their relationship would now, not be more, my heart shared her ache. 

There was a small inheritance.  He was a gentleman with a sense of responsibility, (however misplaced some may have judged it), a commitment to community and a joyful heart.  How could we use this inheritance to honor the essence of dad/Bill? 

Our boys and an old beau of Jan’s had been teaching us poker the past few years.  We loved the game.  So many things about poker intrigued us; the skill, the element of luck, the strategy, the community of the table.  That was it – we would purchase a table in honor of Ky’s dad!  To represent Bill Waddell it must be stately, impressive, well turned out and solid.  Bill was also a woodworker, and we knew he would appreciate fine craftsmanship.  With this is mind we went shopping for a table.

It is 2016.  Ky, Michael, Roo and I played two games last night at the table. 

For eight years we have been gathering around the table.  The participants have come and gone over the years – except the four of us.  We have remained.  The community of the table has an ebb and flow.  It will no doubt expand in the future and quite possibly contract again, but I think the four of us will still continue.  

We are connected.  Of course our love of the game is a piece of that, but our time at the table is more than the game.  We love each other.  We love each other just as we are.  We give each other a break.  We enjoy the best of each other and overlook the worst.  We celebrate the successes of each of us and we grieve the losses.  We laugh.  We laugh some more.  We laugh even more.  One of us (guess who) passes gas and the rest of us scrunch up our noses and accept it. 

We have each had bad behavior at times (poker is a frustrating game) and at those times, the rest of us look down, and overlook.  Sometimes our conversations are heated; we are all passionate in our beliefs.  We either bite our tongue or say what we think.  Both are ok. 

Michael comes to the table with expansive love.  His heart can be felt in every conversation, in every glance, in every decision.  When he looks at me I feel his appreciation and I know he is steadfast in his friendship.  We can count on Michael.  Ky most appreciates how Michael has grown in his skill, ability and mastery of the game.  From the early days when he was timid and tentative; he has developed into a thoughtful opponent, worthy of his second place status in our league this year. 

Often when Roo goes to the bathroom I stand outside the closed door, my face touching it and my eyes large and mouth wide, as if I am growling, but I am silent.  When she opens the door, without fail, she screams and we collapse against each other in a fit of laughter.  Michael and Ky, watching in anticipation, shake their heads as they witness the predictable chaos.

On a rare occasion, with Ky all in and her longevity in jeopardy, we watch as she flings her chair backward, hands on hips, begging for her card.  Success results in an exaggerated fist pump before her hands are on the table dragging her chips home.  Missing the card results in a dejected walk from the table to collect herself, followed quickly by her return, and an offer to deal for us.

The table draws us in, holds us for a few hours, and remains, unchanged until next time.

It is 2016.  I am full of gratitude, and the table honors Bill.

Reflections of Christopher.....

We asked our son Chris for help.  It's not lost on us that he and Tash may not be as available soon, once Joey arrives, and so we reached out with our request.  We were picking up a new fridge for the basement which was too heavy for us and we had chosen a new mirror for the living room which needed to be hung.  Chris and Tash were quick to respond with their willingness to come by and assist.  We are so grateful for the generosity.  

After a quick "pee break" for Mommy Tash at our place, we met them at Urban Barn where Chris was able to haul the mirror out for us with no assistance.  Tash waited in the truck to protect our purchase, and Chris joined us in Home Depot.  While Ky tried to locate a cart, Chris and I searched the isles for "EZ anchors" which he said we needed to hang the heavy mirror.  He also assisted with finding butane for our mini blow torch (we've having dinner guests and I had made Crème Brulee which needed finishing).  Once Ky arrived with the cart he hauled the mini (but large) fridge off the floor onto the cart and we cautiously made our way to the check out.

The Dodge Ram easily accommodated our purchases and once again Chris hauled everything himself into the truck box and positioned the containers for the short trip to our place.  Once in our driveway, he reversed the order; unloading everything and hauling inside.

A minor hiccup when the mirror was pulled from the packaging.  There was a small crack.  We took a short break to engage with Ky on the topic of inconsistent of packaging.  "Why," she bemoaned, "when shipping kids plastic toys from China do then strap them down, pack them in cardboard, stuff them with packing popcorn and seal them up ~ and yet with a F'ing breakable mirror - they use a skinny, shitty piece of Styrofoam and a thin cardboard box!?!?!"  

A call back to the store gained assurance that they would re-order the mirror and exchange the new one with the cracked one once it arrives.  That elicited an additional commentary from Ky and storage of the F'ing mirror in the meantime.  After encouragement from Chris, Tash and I she conceded that we could store the mirror on the wall since the crack was so small, and then, it would be easy to hang the new one exactly where Chris had anchored and measured already.  Although she wasn't happy about it she gave in.

I'm sure you can't even find the crack!!

Hanging art, or large mirrors requires patience, preciseness and expertise.  Chris possesses all of these qualities and more, and I watched with a full heart from the kitchen as he worked with Ky, guiding the installation of the mirror.  Measuring once, measuring again, holding it up, taking it down, holding it up again, and all the while responding patiently to Ky's angst about the F'ing crack; LOL.

Lunch was next - as per the request, we'd laid out a buffet of cheeses, veggies, dips, pate, mango salad and assorted crackers.  We chatted over lunch, hearing stories from Chris and Tash about what's gone on since we last saw them.  We marvel always witnessing our kids share their experience of pregnancy and their thoughts about becoming parents.  We could not be any more proud of Chris and Tash as they engage in parenthood with the same thoughtful, loving approach they have embodied throughout their lives.

Lunch finished, Chris found sliding the fridge downstairs wasn't too tough and he and Ky positioned it behind the bar.  After the old fridge was packed in his truck along with all the packaging it was time for a game of poker :)

Waving good bye to our kids (and our 50 bucks ~ yes he beat our ass at poker), I reflect on this youngest son of ours.  Like the mirror he just hung for us, he's been roughed up just a bit by life, and in spite of that, he reflects back to the world only beauty and sparkle.  

He's complex, unique, and generous ~ our joy.

Quinn on Jan 31st.....

It’s Saturday.  By 9:10 a.m. we are on the 401 heading to Toronto.  It’s clear and the roads are dry and fairy quiet.  We’re glad about that; winter driving is not stress free for us.  We get hung up a little bit on Allen Rd., but once on Eglington we’re moving well and at 11:20 we are parking in front of Jan & Jon’s place.

Quinn is still napping when we arrive and Jan shares that she’s been fighting a cold this week and so her extra-long nap is welcome.  Jan and Jon pop out to Starbucks and Ky and I wait patiently for Quinn to wake up.  My latte is delivered before that happens and we continue our chat.  Its 12:40 before we hear her stir and Ky makes her way begrudgingly upstairs (not). 

I wait a couple of minutes and then pop up behind her in time to see Quinn’s sleepy eyes trying to put the puzzle pieces together.  “Mommas were not here when I went to bed, but here they both are now”.  She looks back and forth between us, rubs her eyes sleepily and then reaches toward me for our customary cuddle.  We take her pj’s off, change her diaper, pick out an outfit.  She’s very compliant until we wipe her little nose.  L   Then we’re ready to head downstairs.  By now she’s smiling - quite pleased that she has company.

Jan and Jon depart after Quinn has nursed.  She’s in her high chair when they leave and her little hand moves from side to side to say goodbye, while her other scoops up her kidney beans, avocado, blue berries and cold chicken.

While Ky interacts over lunch, I make nachos for us.  Jan has a new corn salsa that looks amazing, and fresh guacamole.  I layer chicken, cheese, peppers and then, to my side, add some kidney beans for good measure.   I pop them in the over and then move to clean up Quinn and her highchair.  We head downstairs to play until our lunch is ready.

The afternoon is uneventful, but when I take Quinn up for her nap, for the first time she asserts her will, and lets me know she isn’t feeling great and she doesn’t want to nap without nursing.  Of course Mommy isn’t home, and so nursing isn’t an option.  She takes to odd sip from her cup when it’s offered, but it isn’t what she wants.

We spar gently for twenty minutes or so, and then I get to see how frustrated she is.  She arches her back and flails her arms.  I hug her close, hum in her ear and rub her back.  I kiss her cheek and tell her it’s ok.  She replies with a wild hand to my face and before I know it I’ve a scratch under my eye.  I sit up straight, take hold of her two hands and sternly look her in the eye.  “No!  Don’t hit Grandma Quinn!”  She tries to pull her hands away for a moments but then her eyes register that she has realized Grandma used a stern voice for the voice time is 13 months and she breaks into sorrowful sobs; heartbroken.  With that she lays her head on my shoulder and her little body shakes with her cries and then the resulting coughing.  Her nose fills and her congestion is awful.  I feel so bad she’s sick.

Soon her cries have stopped and there is the frequent sniffling that comes when you’ve had a good cry.  Within about 15 minutes she’s asleep.  I stand up to put her in the crib but she stirs and so I again sit, let her settle on my arm and we remain like that in the chair for about 90 minutes. 

I hear Jan and Jon come home and shortly Jan is at the door peeking in.  Quinn is still sleeping and so Jan returns to the basement and chats with Ky.  Jon heads to bed for a nap as he too has been sick this week.  Within 15 minutes Quinn wakes up.  She pushes herself up from my shoulder and makes the “all done” sign with her hands.  I scoop her up, remove her sleep sack and decide to head downstairs to change her.  Mom pops up when she sees us and Quinn is eager to nurse.  She had a great nap, and after nursing is happy to play with her Mommas.  I’m relieved to see she holds no grudge following our nap-time disagreement.  I receive many kisses and cuddles and she smiles at my antics as she normally would.  I’m glad.

Jan and Jon decide to go out to dinner and make a reservation for 8.  After her supper Ky and I take Quinn upstairs for bath and enjoy playing with her and her tub toys.  She lets me wash her hair although not with her usual patience.  She definitely is not impressed when I endeavor to clean her nose and face up.

At bedtime she is not settled and it seems she’s feeling worse than she did during the day.  Both Jan and Jon take a turn putting her down.  She doesn’t comply, and by 8 pm when Jan is doing her make up, Quinn is in the crib complaining.  I ask Jan if I can rock her and she says, “For sure, you can try.”

When I go in she crying softly and standing at the corner of her crib.  She looks up when the door opens and reaches for me.  I scoop her up and after wiping her nose we settle in the chair.  She lays her little head on my shoulder and lets me rock her but her lament continues and she is definitely not happy.  After 10 minutes or so I hear the front door and know Jan and Jon have left.  I continue with the cuddles and rocking for 20 minutes or so, but she does not stop complaining and she’s getting warm and showing no signs of sleep.  We’re now about an hour past her regular bed time.

I call Ky’s name softly a couple of times.  She’s in the basement with the monitor and so I know she’ll be up quickly.  Sure enough I hear her on the stairs and I stand with Quinn as she comes in the room.  Quinn looks up and reaches for Momma Ky.  She is sniffling, but quiets then.  We talk about how unusual this is, her level of discomfort, is she hot, what should we do.  We decide that either her teeth or her throat are hurting her and that Tylenol might help.  At least we decide it won’t hurt, and we want to try something.

She takes the Tylenol willingly and seems content that we are up with her.  She points down the stairs and then makes the “all done” sign about her bedroom.  Down the stairs we go.

After 20 minutes of quiet play, books and cuddles, we head back up-stairs and Ky leaves me to rock her again.  It’s after 9 now and she’s tired.  She snuggles in right away and within 10 minutes she’s sleeping and I’m able to lift her into her crib.  Success J

We watch the final episode of Downtown Abbey and just as we’re done, about midnight, she wakes and we head upstairs to her cries.  We go in together, Ky holds her and we snuggle and rock her side to side while singing The Itsy Bitsie Spider.  She isn’t consoled and we are glad when we hear the door and Mommy is beside us.  Within minutes she and Quinn are in the rocker and Quinn is nursing quietly.

This morning I hear her at 6:30, but I know Jan prefers she go back to sleep when she’s up early and so I stay in bed and listen.  She’s quiet then for a bit, but at 7:05 I hear her again and go to check on her.  She’s standing in her crib and is happy happy when the door opens.  I lift her up and we sit in the rocker for a few minutes.  I can’t take it when she’s making the “all done” sign and pointing to the door.  I give in and we go to check in with Ky.  She gets up as well and the three of us head downstairs.  We play for 45 minutes or so and then when I ask Quinn if she’s hungry she nods her head quickly yes, and heads for the stairs.  I love that she can communicate.

For breakfast she has raspberries, blue berries and when I load the spoon she can feed herself yogurt.  She has about ½ of a portion cup.  She’s proud of using the spoon and Ky and I also appreciate her accomplishment!   Then she surprises me by pointing to the stairs and making the “milk” sign.  Ky and I exchange glances – this is so impressive.  I ask her if she wants milk from her mommy.  She shakes her head yes.  We head upstairs and wake mommy and daddy up for a quick feed.  10 minutes and then back down stairs for another hour and when she starts rubbing her eyes and taking extra cuddles I change her diaper again, cuddle her up and tell her to say night night to Grandma.

She waves night night to Ky and up we go.  This time she snuggles in as soon as I sit down.  I sing a little, rock for 5 minutes and she’s asleep.  I lift her into her crib, she rolls to her side and seems content.  Ky and I pack up, tip toe downstairs and leave Jan and Jon asleep as we head home.

We cherish our time with the grandkids and getting to know Quinn continues to bring us such joy!

Another Anniversary Passes.....

On the twenty-fifth of each month Ky and I each take a moment to acknowledge our anniversary.  A quick phone call, an email, or a kiss in the morning if our memory is especially sharp that day.  We have done this every month for 26 years.  Every single month we acknowledge our gratitude for each other and the life we built together.  It feels so good to do this.

We have talked over the years about why our gratitude is so strong.  Maybe it is because we have not had the luxury of taking our relationship for granted.  We never assumed we could make a life.  We never envisioned ourselves as grandmothers.  Over the years we have accomplished so many lovely things in the context of our relationship.  We did it.  We are doing it.  It happened.  We have made a life.  We are grandmothers together!!

This year to celebrate our anniversary we made a date to have dinner at a quaint restaurant we had been wanting to try.  On Monday night, after work, we headed downtown and enjoyed a glass of wine, appetizer, seafood, beef and finally homemade ice cream and a chocolate brownie.  It was delicious … just like our life.

During dinner I gazed across the table, a little dreamy about our accomplishment of this 26 year milestone.  As I surveyed her face, her hair, her eyes, the way she ate her food and sipped her wine, I took in every detail of the Ky I live with now.  I find myself more in love with her now.  I thought I loved her so completely when we first fell in love, but what I know now is that love can grow.  I know her so much better now.  There are so many beautiful little nuances that I appreciate, which I did not see in the beginning.  Certainly I had no idea what an incredible grandmother she would be or how she would enhance my own ability to grandmother.  She has always brought out my best.

Ky is different than me in so many ways.  In the beginning that was hard to navigate because I thought we had to be one way or the other and I was most comfortable with my way.  :)  Now I have come to know that we are better each being fully ourselves and letting the contributions flow depending on which strength we need.  The differences we claim are only a problem if we fight them!  When I do not expect Ky to be any different that she is and I love her as she is, all is right with our world.  I am so glad we figured that out early.

I feel accepted and celebrated by Ky.  I know she often (most often) would do things different from me, and even so, she lets me proceed without comment.  She names the things she admires about me and demonstrates her love so often and so easily.  When I have a miss-step she overlooks it. 

As another anniversary passes I once again marvel at my good fortune in finding a partner who is perfect for me in every single difference.

Thanks be.

Ky's Vacation

Another first with Ky; a trip out of the country with two of our grandchildren.  Our 26^th Anniversary is tomorrow and I love it that we are still experiencing many “firsts” together.

Travelling with Ky has always been a joyful, relaxing time.  Although we approach every situation completely differently, we rely on each other and share common goals when vacationing – relax, relax, relax!  So, we knew going in that this vacation was going to be very different – the goal this time was ~ witness Raymond and Kaitlyn respond to travelling and keep them safe and as comfy as possible in the process.

This piece is about Ky – through my eyes obviously.  If I’m lucky, she may decide to comment if I’ve gotten any of it wrong….

I chose this photo because it captures Ky’s commitment to the planning and organizing of our trip.  From the beginning – it’s been her vision.  Lucky for me I’m part of it ~

Since Raymond was born, Ky’s experience of parenting has deepened and changed.  She has embraced the role of grandmother with serious gusto!  She tells me there is nothing sweeter than hearing any of the grandchildren call “Grandma” and look to her for all the things they have learned to appreciate about Momma!

Twice Ky made time in her busy work schedule to go and meet with our travel agent to secure plans and make all the arrangements.  Ky raised many questions that would never have occurred to me.  She thoroughly reviewed the itineraries and double checked all our requests.  She endured the always occurring question; “and whose biological grandchildren are they??” with patience and tolerance.  She was on line countless times before our departure to make sure she didn’t miss anything that may be available to us that would enhance Raymond and Kaitlyn’s experience.  I loved watching her.  And I also appreciated all the time and effort because it’s not what I like to do, but it’s so important when you’re travelling ~ especially with kids.

Ky did all the driving.  She adjusted the kid’s car seats and fixed them when something screwed up and the seat belts were too tight.  She answered every single question Raymond and Kaitlyn had on the trip.  Never did she loose her patience.  She carried Kaitlyn countless times and often pulled two tag alongs at the same time!  (We went with carry-on luggage only and it worked perfectly for us.)

When I was frazzled or overwhelmed, which happened more than once, Ky’s grounded, calm approached was a comfort.  She stepped in at just the right times.  She allowed me to step in once or twice as well and I sincerely appreciated that she acquiesced.

A migraine showed up on the third night of our trip. L  In spite of this, we maintained our scheduled – onward to Hollywood Studios, Buzz Lightyear, and Momma Melrose Italian Eatery!   Ky took advantage of nap time this day and when she got up, thankfully the migraine had cleared.

I think Ky took the most pleasure from watching Raymond and Kaitlyn up close, for six straight days.  The highs and lows, excitement and chaos you can imagine any 3 and 5 year old may go through when vacationing.  She loves witnessing their interactions and observing their differences.  It fun to watch Mike and Kim show up in living color through the actions and gestures of these two.  Ky has always been amazed by this phenomena. 

I think Ky has a soft spot for Kaitlyn.  That’s not to say the love is deeper than her love of Raymond, but Ky sees Kaitlyn’s soul in way that elicits empathy.  Ky understands when Kaitlyn feels something unjust has occurred and she must demand fair and equal treatment.  Ky feels Kaitlyn’s pain when she’s not able to articulate herself well enough to be fully understood.  When Kaitlyn cries and big tears slide down her cheeks, Ky’s heart weeps.  Ky melts when Kaitlyn smiles up at her and says, “Gramma….”. 

Ky advocates on a regular basis for the kids’ “wants”.  She’s quick to give in and always willing to compromise.  They know it and they love that about her. 

Ky stands back and lets the kids “try” and “do” for themselves, always at the ready to jump in if they need help, but patient to wait if they don’t.

Ky’s pride in being Raymond and Kaitlyn’s Momma bursts her chest when strangers appreciate the two of them, or when either of them accomplish something she deems as incredible.  (Such as Raymond reading the airport “you are here” maps, or remembering our path from the Detroit airport when he only walked it once.)

Ky expressed her gratitude for my contributions to our trip – the packing and collection of all things we would need – including exactly the right amount of wet ones for noses, hands and faces!  I see her appreciation of my interactions with them routinely.  When we all came home soaking wet on Hollywood Studio day, she loved that I had taken Raymond on the cars even though it was pouring.  She thinks I’m a dedicated Momma.   I like that.

Happy Anniversary Ky.  Thank you for being the best Momma!  Our kids are so lucky we have you and our grandkids ~ completely blessed.

Kaitlyn's Vacation

It's Sunday night and I am up for the fifth time in response to coughing from the crib.  I lean over and feel that she's sitting up.  Her arms raise and I scoop her up, only to realize she is sweating and fevered.  We feel our way to the kitchen so as not to wake Raymond and Momma Ky.  She happily accepts the Tylenol Kids pill and while she chews that, I gather her puffers mommy has sent along.  After two puffs of each we shut out the lights and feel our way back to the bedroom.  I set myself up in the big chair with a pillow and grab her blanket from the crib.  We cuddle in the chair and when I wake, a couple of hours later, she is cool to the touch and fast asleep on my shoulder.  I shuffle forward in the chair, brace myself and pray the knees hold ~ there I'm standing.  Kaitlyn stretches into the crib ~ still her choice at Mommas' ~ and I crawl into bed.  It's 5:15 a.m. and I've set the alarm for 6:45....

Later, as we get settled in our hotel at the Detroit airport I once again offer Kaitlyn Tylenol.  Her fever has returned, and I marvel at her stamina and determination to make the best of things.  She's excited to be headed to Disney and this constant cough is not going to interfere.   I snap a photo of my loves.

This first night away is a bad one for Kaitlyn, (and the Mommas).  Her cough goes on through the night.  We are up in good time, just before 6 and Kaitlyn is happy to watch cartoons while we have our showers.  Her fever has broken in the night and although her cough remains, she is in good spirits and anxious to head to the restaurant for breakfast.

Every step of the journey is an adventure for Kaitlyn.  She’s nervous of the elevator and needs to hold Momma Ky’s hand in order to enter.  She braces herself as it travels down, and can’t get off quick enough once we land in the lobby.  It’s rare so far that we encounter someone who doesn’t smile at Kaitlyn.  She’s such a minute and her blue eyes attract lots of “ooos” and “aaahs”.  She’s not much interested in the attention and clings closer to Momma anytime someone speak to her.  I’m not sure why, but I feel the need to say, “She’s a little shy” in response.

Kaitlyn isn’t too impressed by the plane.  We were seated 7 rows back from Momma Ky and Raymond, but Ky told me Kaitlyn’s response when offered the window seat was, “I’m not sitting there!!  That seats dirty!!”  Upon inspection, Ky did find shreds of paper on the seat.  Kaitlyn sat in the middle.  She ate her Minion candies and sipped her drink and had no comment about the take-off or the landing.  In between she played on her new Smart tab or snapped her seatbelt open and shut countless times.   She knew she had to keep her seatbelt on while the light was on, but nevertheless, she couldn’t resist opening and closing it.

By the time we are hustling through Orlando airport Kaitlin isn’t quite as eager to pull her suitcase along.  Her little legs are getting tired and she gets Momma Ky to carry her and pull both bags.  I love that she can look out for herself and ask for what she needs.

On the Disney bus, although her brother is asleep in minutes, Kaitlyn is wide awake, alert, and observant.  She has countless questions for Momma Ky and when the questions stop she is laughing at the cartoons being shown.  When the show switches to safety tips she asks for her Smart tab and busies herself for the 30 minute ride to the hotel.  For such a little person, she is embracing all aspects of her trip and hasn’t given into the tiredness we all feel.

The highlight of Disney for Kaitlyn was meeting Cinderella.  The lowlight was that she had to also be in the company of the wicked stepmother.  Kaitlyn loves stories and movies and drinks in every detail.  It was not lost on her that the wicked stepmother was mean and scary.  Kaitlyn hid her head in Momma Ky’s neck until she moved on and when Cinderella came by she was eager to step down and have her picture taken.  She gazed up into Cinderella face and answered her questions if not loudly, sincerely.  Kaitlyn was so happy at this dinner.  She loved her food ~ corn, mashed potatoes, chicken tenders, strawberry soup and chocolate milk!  When dessert time arrived she surveyed the buffet with Momma Ky and came back to the table with a plate full of tiny choices ~ cheese cake, cannoli and a mini chocolate cup with chocolate mousse.

She wasn’t into having her photo taken and she definitely did not enjoy the roller coaster.  She waiting patiently in line for Buzz Lightyear until she succumbed to sleep – it was after all a 65 minute wait.  When we woke her up for the ride she was a gamer – jumped in and figured out in short order how to fire the laser, accumulating 2,900 points.  (As a comparator – Raymond scored 40,000 points)  Not bad for a 3 year old who has just been awoken from a deep slumberJ.

At bedtime we got to hear Kaitlyn’s endless chatter about her adventures that day – what she loved, what scared her and everything in between.  Our night would end with “Good night Raymond.  Good night poopy Mommas!” at which point she would collapse with giggles.

Kaitlyn lined up her clothes each morning and dressed herself.  She asked for what type of hair (braid(s), pony(s), or plain and sat so quietly while Momma Deb complied. 

She was lively, appreciative, loving, determined, happy, sad, questioning, fun loving and so so funny.  What gift she is.  What lucky Mommas to be loved by her.

Raymond's Disney Vacation

Ky and I spent the past six days with two of our grandchildren.  We traveled to Detroit on Monday and stayed overnight, catching a flight to Disney World on Tuesday.  We returned Saturday.  What follows is a reflection this morning of my time with Raymond.

(I plan to write about Kaitlyn as well, and Momma Ky too.  I want to give each their due and so am focusing on them one at a time.)

This photo is such a reflection of the spirit of Raymond.  I watch him put all that he has into all that he does.  No matter the challenge he steps up and experiences it.  He is brave; courageous for a five year old boy!  The longer I know him, the more I see characteristics of a very old soul.

Our vacation ~ 

Raymond is full of questions from the time we set out in the Van until we returned.  Usually each question begins with, "Graaaammmmmma....".  It's a word I'm going to miss now that I'm back home.  The way Raymond says it elicits warmth in my heart and eagerness in my response.  I can't wait to hear the question and to know what he's contemplating at any given moment.   He drags out the word in such a way that I know he loves me and looks to me for wisdom, answers, love, fun, support and acceptance.  He's got that!  I've no choice but to give him my rapt attention.

Many times throughout the week he leans into me, wraps his little arm around my leg and squeezes.  If I'm sitting, he climbs onto my lap and straddles me so that we were face to face.  He puts a little hand on each cheek and gently leans in.  He may kiss my nose, my lips, either cheek or just peer into my eyes.  Any of these is just fine with me.  We giggle, smile, snuggle and cuddle.  Sometimes these snuggles lead to a question or a verbal expression of our love.  Sometimes he lays his head on my chest and leans in for the ultimate cuddle.  Sometimes he chooses to share some insight or learning that he's had.  Sometimes he teases me by touching the mole above my left breast ~ "Wow, that's a big one!" he says with a laugh every time.  Now he adds often, "Baby Quinn tries to pick that off!!"

Waiting for the bus to the parks Raymond is intent on understanding the information on the TV Screen.  By our second trip he's telling us what time the bus goes and asking us what time the clock says in order to tell us then how long our wait will be.  He is completely amazed when the bus lowers down to a level that little kids can easily step up.  The look on his face is one of incredulous surprise and then approval.  LOL.  

The bus ride is a completely different experience on our way to the park vs. our way home.  Journeying to the park is full of anticipation, excitement and questions.  Travelling back to resort is pure snuggle and finger sucking time.  I can feel his little brain whirring with all his memories as he either sits on our knees or leans into us for the trip.  

Raymond has a long standing habit of sucking two fingers and sliding his hand into his pants to relax.  He's done it from as long as he was able to reach.  We talk to him on the drive about public vs. private actions.  We explain that it's not acceptable to have your hand down your pants in public.  We talk about manners, and respecting others.  We settle on, when around other people, sucking your fingers is ok, but holding your penis isn't.  We were "in public" for five days and Raymond forgot only four times!!  Sitting in the airport on the way home, during a three hour delay of our flight, Raymond is leaning on me and sleepily slides his hand down his pants.  He looks up and as our eyes meet I widen my eyes and form an "oh no" with my mouth.  He laughs and pulls his hand out.  I lean down and say, "Wow Raymond, that's only four times you forgot on our whole vacation!!  That's really great."  He smiles and responds, "Graaaammmmmma, actually it’s six.  You only saw four times."  This is followed by giggles.  

Eating out at restaurants is something we haven't done much with Raymond.  He loves home cooking and so our pattern at home is to find out what he feels like and then Momma cooks it.  Maya Grill was our choice for the first dinner at Disney.  Raymond contemplates his choices.  Appetizer was either fruit salad or green salad.  Many choices for entree including "catch of the day" which intrigues him.  He settles on fruit salad, chicken tacos with rice and veggies rather fries, and chocolate milk.  The fruit salad arrives and looks like enough for four!!  Raymond looks at it and then at me and raises his eye brows.  He digs in ambitiously.  The grapes are gone quickly, cantaloupe next and then he's stalled, just in time for his entree to arrive.   He gobbles up the broccoli and carrots, looks for a spoon for the rice (funny enough, we never received spoons at any restaurant?) tried the fork without much success, and sits back ~ satisfied.  Chocolate ice cream is his choice for dessert and he eats it all!!

Raymond was exhausted each day by 1 pm or so....this was challenging since a couple of our lunches were booked after 1.  Back in the room he climbs into bed quickly.  The beds are soft and comfy with soft white sheets and also soft cozy blankets.  The pillows are plush and perfect.  Within minutes Raymond is sound asleep and we are shocked when three hours pass and the kids are still sleeping!!  On day one we quickly realize we need to adjust our plans ~ 

Everyone is awake by 5 pm and Raymond wants to know what's planned for the evening.  He is so easy to please!!  He loves all the food at the many different places we eat.  Strawberry soup was his favorite at the Floridian Ballroom and he looks up at Gramma Ky and asks if he could have seconds.    Once again the veggies are gobbled up first.   

One of the most beautiful experiences for me is that Raymond was content and happy just to experience whatever each day held with us.  He looked to us often for approval and was so proud to open the lock to our room with his wrist band, direct us to where the elevators were, dance down the path in the dark to the beat of the music coming out of the speakers at ground level, show Momma the roller coaster since he had ridden it first, direct us through the airport, and explain to Kaitlyn the countless things that he knew more about that she did.  This was always done only to benefit her understanding, never to show off what he knew.  He watches out for her at every turn.  

Raymond is a joy.  There is so much more to share, but this at least gives highlights of Raymond on vacation.

Inviting conversation.....

January 3, 2016

When I look at this photo it seems all things are possible.  I remember beautiful sunsets, warm breezes, peaceful conversations, fun and games, uncomfortable beds, incredible coffee, birds gliding, fires snapping, and how the sand feels between my toes.

For almost twenty years our family has journeyed here.  It has consistently been a place of joy.  So many obstacles to happiness over the years, and so this landscape stands out as an anchor for our well-being.  Even though we've outgrown it long ago, we are still pulled back.  I liken it to my faith - through all the heartache, my faith is a constant.  Once I travel down the windy narrow round and settle my toes into the sand of faith, all things are possible.

But that's just me :) .

I invite Ky, Jan, Chris and Tash to share as contributors to this blog.  If you are so inclined, I've named you as authors so you can post on your own.  If you prefer, send me an email with your contribution and I'll post it for you.  My target is once a month, but I'll accept any contribution.

January's task - what does this photo bring to your mind?