Recognizing my shadow

Driving to Roo’s for our last games of the season I was resolute and committed to winning.  If I could win both games, I would have my name on that damn trophy!  I was very aware that I was up against three others who were just as committed for their own reasons.

For me, a win might mean that when Roo is asking questions about Poker and what you should and shouldn’t do, she might say “Deb” instead of “Ky”.  Ok, that probably wouldn’t happen.  Michael would be so happy for me.  Ky would be proud knowing she taught me and accepted my “Gus Hanson” style even though it drove her crazy.  Before my day dream ended, Ky was pulling into our parking spot next to Michael’s Ford Focus and I snapped out of it and gathered up the fixings for Caesars that we had brought along. 

I limped down those f’ing basement stairs that are too steep and hurt my poor knees every time, reminding me I need to lose weight and be more active.  Opening the door and stepping into the poker den the pain evaporates and I’m scooped up into Michaels arms.  Hugs from Michael are sweet, sincere and safe.  He seems to have no expectations attached to his loving and I really feel his appreciation, every single time.  Michael is precious.  His eyes light up when Ky offers Caesars.

Hugs from Roo follow, and I know she too accepts me and is glad we’ve arrived.  She turns down the Caesar and sends Kylie off to bring her a beer.  I get the feeling it might not be the first time Kylie’s run after her beer lol.  Ky busies herself behind the bar and I can’t wait to offer Roo the Fabletics outfit we brought her.  I did wrestle with dropping it off anonymously and leaving it at the backdoor.  But then I thought, no because I hate it when that happens to me, and I didn’t want Pete to be worried she has a stalker.  Plus, I love the look people get when you offer them a surprise “just because” gift and they feel special and thought of and special.  

Like when I come to bed after Ky and she’s all snug and comfy and I pull back the covers at the foot of the bed and climb up with my special spa purchased cream.  Without fail she says, “Oh my god!  You’re going to rub my feet??  You don’t have to.”  LOL.  Then she relaxes back on her pillow and her face has that “I feel special and loved” look.

Pete came down to say hello.  He is another member of the Rooyakkers family we love.  I wish he played poker because his sarcasm and presence at the table would be great; maybe.  He might be too tender-hearted for the game though – come to think about it, I don’t see him being ruthless with Roo or Michael.  I wish there was something I could do to take Pete’s pain away.  Watching someone you love suffer – even from a distance – sucks.

Seats are drawn then and we’re sipping our drinks and anxiously waiting for our first hands.  The tension is palpable and we all know our opponents are worthy and focused.  We say “good luck” but I think we all have our fingers crossed.

The moment for me in the first game that has stayed with me three days later, is when I called Ky’s raise before the flop, saw I had flopped a straight, raised and Ky pushed all in.  “Thank you Jesus!” I thought and said “call” turning over my cards to show her the bad news.  Undeterred, she showed trips and stated, “I need the board to pair”.  Bam – the board paired, and I was taken out by a full house.

Now I’ve been on the other end of this situation many many many times and so I couldn’t complain about her good luck.  However, my hopes were now dashed and game two would have no impact on my status for the season.  I was pissed.  Not at Ky, but at the situation.  It’s such a roller coaster of emotion.  I called a raise with 10 / J and I flopped the straight.  It doesn’t get any better!  And then, she pushes all in!!  Ky never pushes all in without the nuts! I had her!!  Elation – followed by shock and disappointment. I love/hate Poker!  Then I was the dealer.  

Roo went on to win that game and Ky was in great position to take it all in the second game, if Roo went out before her or if she went out first and Roo went out second; they would tie at 130 points each.  Neither of them seemed interested in a tie though and the second game began with that increased tension; if that’s even possible.  Michael and I were inconsequential. 

The game unfolded.  It’s was past midnight and I was down to less than 2,000 in chips.  To give that perspective, the blinds were 8,000 and 4,000.  I was all in against Ky in the big blind.  I had J something (lol I cannot remember my second card!!)  Ky and Q / 8.  When all the cards were revealed I had a straight and doubled up.   Michael gathered up the cards, pushed the chips my way, and that’s when Ky revealed she also had a straight.  But the cards were gone.  Michael and I both thought I was the only one with a straight.  Fuck.  A dispute.

I pushed my chips toward Ky and said, “Just take them.”  I was almost out any way and my pride wouldn’t permit to take a pot if anyone thought I didn’t win it fair and square.  “I will not!” said Ky.  Michael put his head down, fighting back tears.  There is no worse feeling than making a mistake as the dealer, unless its someone thinking you made a mistake, you believing you didn’t, and being unable to prove anything.

“It’s fine.  It doesn’t matter.” Said Ky, “It’s 2,000 chips!” “Just deal.”

I pulled in the chips and proceeded to then double up; multiple times.  Unfortunately, in the process I also took Ky out; first.   I did not want to be the spoiler.  I wanted to battle to be between Roo and Ky as it rightfully should have been, but I couldn’t do anything wrong at that point, and the cards just fell in my favor.

Now for Ky to have a chance for the tie, Roo would need to go out next.  But she was the big stack and folding her way to the Season’s title.  Michael was next out which solidified Roo’s victory and name on the trophy!

I won the game and lost the season.

Driving home I contemplated how things had unfolded.  Even though after the first game I had no chance at winning the season, I played my heart out.  I came back from 2,000 chips, against stacks of 30 to 50 K.  I bluffed, I got lucky, I was strategic.  I was ruthless in a way I never am in life.  That’s the thing about poker; it pulls you in and if you are fully present in the game it doesn’t matter who your opponent is – you are playing full out, out maneuvering everyone else, winning every hand, focused on pulling in every single chip on the table, until the very last hand. 

When I am playing my best, I don’t recognize anyone at the table, other than as an opponent.  When I am playing my best at life – I only recognize everyone else. 

I like the adrenalin of being ruthless.  I think poker facilitates my shadow, and in this case, I’m ok seeing it.

It's my birthday....

Today is my 58^th birthday and I’ve been laid up with some sort of chest infection for a few days.  I have even been missing work which is not a common occurrence; 3 sick days last year.  Since I slept half the day, I am ushering in my birthday at 12:03 a.m. by writing down my thoughts.  It seems like just the perfect way to start my next year.  I love writing and some people seem to love reading what I write and so, I’ve had the thought to do more of it this year.

Earlier tonight I took down the unused Words of Wisdom coloring book from our bookshelf.  I’ve decided to spend some time coloring.  The first page in the book is the one you see here.  This picture is significant to me.  As I began coloring the page I settled into a rhythm that was peaceful and right.  

When I was growing up things were difficult for my family. Even as I have that thought now, a lump forms in my throat and my eyes sting.  “Difficult”.  I guess that works.   I don’t have an abundance of memories and the ones that I can pull forward are usually “difficult”.  I realize now that I didn’t feel proud of my family.  I didn’t feel proud of my mom and dad, or our home, or our life, or myself.  This stands out now as I color the poppy and have a flashback.

In Brucefield our home had a front flowerbed that stretched the length of the house.  It had various plants in it but the bush I remember, and what impressed me, was the poppy bush.  It was huge and the flowers incredible in my memory.  I remember the stems and leaves being quite furry and a little prickly and when I colored my picture I thought the artist did such a great job of capturing the flower overall. 

I remember the flowerbed as my mom’s.  I can picture her now working in the beds, pulling weeds, trimming back the flowers.  Even though she had worked a full day at the nursing home, she didn’t seem to mind being on her hands and knees in the dirt.  She seems content.  I guess now I can see that she took pride in her flowers.  I was too unaware to see that at the time and my views were colored by my own shame.

What I do remember is our Collie, Ginger, choosing to hide her shame under the poppies.  It was a humid July and Ginger’s coat was long and very thick.  I’m not sure if it was Grandpa McCowan, but I think it was, who took the clippers to Ginger to give her relief from the heat.  But the thing is, he wasn’t good with the clippers.  He could get the job done, but it really was a mess.  Ginger hid in the flowerbed, behind the Poppy bush for a solid three days, refusing to come out.  Mom was clear it was because Ginger was ashamed of the trim job.  I accepted that completely at the time.  I guess, having lived with our Cocker Jack for 13 years and seeing his human-like qualities, I believe it still now.

I love that this memory comes up for me on my birthday.  I have carried shame for 58 years.  Thankfully years of therapy and personal work have eased the burden I carry, but, the memory tonight has highlighted the need for me to stay committed to my unburdening!  The synchronicity of this evening is so exciting for me!  Let me explain.

 I wrote myself a letter for my birthday earlier tonight – before I engaged in the coloring.  The letter was all the things I love about Deborah.  It came easily enough and I’m looking forward to reading it tomorrow morning when I wake up.  I said to Ky, one of the benefits of the short- term memory loss of menopause, is that I very likely will be surprised when I’m reading it in the morning 😉

Back to the synchronicity tonight – immediately that I wrote myself the letter, extolling my virtues, I colored the poppy and remembered my shame.  I even ran the visual of Ginger cowering behind the poppies.  That’s how I often felt as a child.  Trimmed miserably.  Ashamed.  Not good enough.  Unacceptable.    A cur.  To be clear, I don’t blame my parents.  This was my response to the situation I was born into.  This was my response.  Each of my siblings have their own experience, and I respect and accept that we are all unique.

So, the idea of “BE THE BRIGHTEST OF THE BUNCH” never really landed for me as a kid.  The crazy thing is, even at 58 I believe there is time to make this so.  When I wrote my letter tonight it felt right.  I wasn’t ashamed, and I feel proud of the woman I am.

It seems appropriate to close with my birthday message to Deborah.

January 16, 2018

Happy 58^th Birthday Deborah!

This year I want to tell you all the things I love about you. 

I love that you are generally patient and kind.  When you don’t feel that way, you usually bite your tongue until you do.  I love that about you.

I love that you care so deeply about others and often put their needs before your own.  You do this because you sincerely want to ~ its genuine.

I love that you forgive easily.  You can do that because you quickly question your thoughts when you feel hurt, disappointed or angry.  And when you question your thoughts about the feelings – its most often your own mistakes or wounds you discover – thereby releasing others any responsibility for your well being.  I really love that too.

I love that you commit totally your loyalty and invest completely in your closest relationships.  Ky, your children, their spouses, your grandchildren, are a priority to you and you spare no effort in demonstrating your love to them.

I love your sense of humour and your quick wit.  You make me laugh inside so often and that just feels so good!  I think this is one of your best qualities too.

I love that you are not afraid of hard work and you put your best forward most times.

I love that you keep learning and seeking.  You want to improve and do better.  You aren’t satisfied with the status quo.  That’s a good quality I think.

I love that you see your failings – you give credit where credit is due – like with your mom; you give credit to your siblings for doing what you’ve not been able to do.  In that regard, I also love that you forgive yourself for that failing.

I love that you are not shy to express your love of Ky to her or your acquaintances, as well as demonstrate to her in active ways how important she is to you.   I love that you put her first, by choice.  I love that you show the kids how to be in a loving relationship.  Even at 58, physical pleasure and expression of love is important to you and I love that!  Make sure you keep that ongoing 😉.

Finally, I love that you truly care about people, you really want to help people be their best and you can see it in them when sometimes they don’t see it themselves.   I love that about you and I hope this letter helps remind you to do the same for yourself.

Happy 58 ~ this will be a great year.  I just know it.

Love Deborah