I’ve been waking up at 4:42 a.m. off and on for many weeks. Sometimes I get up and flip channels for awhile, or play solitaire on the computer. Last night I decided apply numerology to the time – 442 adds to 10 which goes to 1. I accepted my intuition that the first medicine card in the deck of animal cards I own must have a message for me that I hadn’t been listening to. I crawled out of bed careful not to wake my honey, and grabbed the book.
“If you have pulled this symbol, Eagle is reminding you to take heart and gather your courage, for the universe is presenting you with an opportunity to soar above the mundane levels of your life. The power of recognizing this opportunity may come in the form of a spiritual test. In being astute, you may recognize the places within your soul, personality, emotions, or psyche that need bolstering or refinement. By looking at the overall tapestry, Eagle teaches you to broaden your sense of self beyond the horizon of what is presently visible.”
Wow – as I read that at 5 a.m. this morning I felt connected to spirit, challenged, and oh so hopeful about the future. The word “mundane” seemed to fit so perfectly with the melancholy I’ve been experiencing lately. I have a real sense of what the opportunity is and I am so excited about stepping into the possibility!
I absolutely LOVE starting new projects and I am aware my challenge now is to stay focused and go step by step rather than rushing forward. I can do it.
Thanks to my buddy Peter for calling me last week and chatting for a bit. Those tears I shed needed to be let go, and you provided the opportunity for me to do that.
Saturday, October 3, 2009
Sunday, September 27, 2009
Melancholy vs. confidence.....
Confidence is something I’ve always linked to my faith. It has been easy to have confidence because I have faith things are unfolding. I’ve not required any specific outcomes and have let the unfolding happen without measures of right or wrong, this or that. I’ve always been ok with what is. My faith has been unchallenged.
It’s not that tough things haven’t happened; growing up with a mentally ill father, choosing myself over a bad marriage, walking with my children through all that that meant, when my sister was killed in an accident,,,,,there have certainly been lots of emotions to process and grief to express. Regardless though, my faith is solid.
So, what’s happening now? Is the melancholy something to be inquired about or accepted as part of the unfolding? I guess it’s because my personality is normally upbeat, lively; happy. The melancholy feels unusual for me. I’m a little uncomfortable in this place.
Maybe the lesson is to “be” not trying to shift out of this place but breathing into it. That thought gives me pause. Although I can’t explain it, that thought feels right.
I am going to stay in my faith, accept that melancholy is where I’m meant to be right now.
It’s not that tough things haven’t happened; growing up with a mentally ill father, choosing myself over a bad marriage, walking with my children through all that that meant, when my sister was killed in an accident,,,,,there have certainly been lots of emotions to process and grief to express. Regardless though, my faith is solid.
So, what’s happening now? Is the melancholy something to be inquired about or accepted as part of the unfolding? I guess it’s because my personality is normally upbeat, lively; happy. The melancholy feels unusual for me. I’m a little uncomfortable in this place.
Maybe the lesson is to “be” not trying to shift out of this place but breathing into it. That thought gives me pause. Although I can’t explain it, that thought feels right.
I am going to stay in my faith, accept that melancholy is where I’m meant to be right now.
Friday, September 11, 2009
Having the last word....
A dear friend challenged me last night by saying “You’re just like my husband. You always have the last word and you always have something to say about something!”
Even though I love her husband, I’d never thought that he and I were alike. In fact, there have been times over the years when I’ve been very frustrated with him. What to do with this comment? There would be no need to do anything if I wasn’t intrigued. When comments roll off my back often there is no lesson to be had. When I have a reaction; well, that’s my sign that there is a lesson waiting for me to discover. I used to dread these reactions, now I’m so curious about it.
It’s quite something for me to think about doing my inner work on this blog for whoknowswho to see! It’s also amazing how life’s events intertwine to make sense eventually. lol
During the spirituality game we played Wednesday this week I drew a card that said, “You don’t easily talk about yourself. Why?” I asked, “Is this my card to deal with at this time?” and rolled the die. It said “yes”. Through the contemplation and interaction that followed I began to see that I am a much easier listener for others than talker about myself. Although I hadn’t been conscious of it, I do hold back talking about myself. Fine to acknowledge that ~ but the why still hung in the air.
I feel my friend’s comment last night was directly related to this work, even though she wasn’t at the spirituality game and had no knowledge that I’d been working with this issue.
I am blessed with quick wit, so often my comments elicit laughter and I like that. It feels good. Sometimes my comments are insightful – I like that too. Often my comments are in defence of myself. I think that’s related to lingering self esteem issues and feeling I need to prove my worth or value. I’m good at that as well – and here sits another connection – in therapy I’ve been working with just “being” and not so much “doing”; of course that’s related to value as well and the belief that I need to deliver to value myself.
Another connection to my therapeutic work that came up in the game was breathing. Often as my awareness increases I find myself not breathing fully. And then, as I take a full breath I am immediately aware of so many more things in the now; the floor under my feet, the temperature of the air, any sounds that may be occurring. In therapy I’ve been working with this in terms of “just breathe” or be, rather than moving to action. In the game it became clear that I move quickly to action, even without all the facts….I’m encouraged to “take a breath, ask, get the facts”, resist action.
My friend’s comment last night shone another light onto these realities. When I’m snapping out the one liner and commenting on everything in our poker game; that’s action. I could take a breath and consider if a comment is warranted. I may still decide to toss out my wit, but it would be a choice not a defensive habit.
Thank you my friend for your honest and forthright comments. I love that about you and you’ve gifted me especially last night as my understanding and awareness is deepening.
Even though I love her husband, I’d never thought that he and I were alike. In fact, there have been times over the years when I’ve been very frustrated with him. What to do with this comment? There would be no need to do anything if I wasn’t intrigued. When comments roll off my back often there is no lesson to be had. When I have a reaction; well, that’s my sign that there is a lesson waiting for me to discover. I used to dread these reactions, now I’m so curious about it.
It’s quite something for me to think about doing my inner work on this blog for whoknowswho to see! It’s also amazing how life’s events intertwine to make sense eventually. lol
During the spirituality game we played Wednesday this week I drew a card that said, “You don’t easily talk about yourself. Why?” I asked, “Is this my card to deal with at this time?” and rolled the die. It said “yes”. Through the contemplation and interaction that followed I began to see that I am a much easier listener for others than talker about myself. Although I hadn’t been conscious of it, I do hold back talking about myself. Fine to acknowledge that ~ but the why still hung in the air.
I feel my friend’s comment last night was directly related to this work, even though she wasn’t at the spirituality game and had no knowledge that I’d been working with this issue.
I am blessed with quick wit, so often my comments elicit laughter and I like that. It feels good. Sometimes my comments are insightful – I like that too. Often my comments are in defence of myself. I think that’s related to lingering self esteem issues and feeling I need to prove my worth or value. I’m good at that as well – and here sits another connection – in therapy I’ve been working with just “being” and not so much “doing”; of course that’s related to value as well and the belief that I need to deliver to value myself.
Another connection to my therapeutic work that came up in the game was breathing. Often as my awareness increases I find myself not breathing fully. And then, as I take a full breath I am immediately aware of so many more things in the now; the floor under my feet, the temperature of the air, any sounds that may be occurring. In therapy I’ve been working with this in terms of “just breathe” or be, rather than moving to action. In the game it became clear that I move quickly to action, even without all the facts….I’m encouraged to “take a breath, ask, get the facts”, resist action.
My friend’s comment last night shone another light onto these realities. When I’m snapping out the one liner and commenting on everything in our poker game; that’s action. I could take a breath and consider if a comment is warranted. I may still decide to toss out my wit, but it would be a choice not a defensive habit.
Thank you my friend for your honest and forthright comments. I love that about you and you’ve gifted me especially last night as my understanding and awareness is deepening.
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
In anticipation of a great day.....
Tomorrow I have a BIG day.
I planned six weeks ago to have friends over to play a spirituality game that I like. Four people signed up and we will begin at 10:30 and end at 2:30. I am looking forward to it.
Then, out of the blue, friends from high school emailed last week and asked if they could come for a visit tomorrow! What are the chances? I can’t tell you how many days I am here by myself in my PJ’s all day. What do they say – “it never rains but it pours”.
What’s on my mind tonight isn’t the work that needs to be done to prepare lunch for 5 and then dinner for a different 5 on the same day….not quite sure how it’s going to happen – just sure that it will. Nope, what’s on my mind is the emotional toll the spirituality game sometimes takes. It’s always a very useful process, it’s just that I find myself vulnerable and shaky sometimes after and with friends here I’ve not been intimate with in years…well….it’s interesting it’s all happening tomorrow.
I trust that the day is meant to unfold this way. I am pleased about the game and I’m also pleased old friends are dropping by. So….if I stay in the now – which is the purpose of this writing….then everything is just as it should be and I’m looking forward with anticipation to tomorrow.
I planned six weeks ago to have friends over to play a spirituality game that I like. Four people signed up and we will begin at 10:30 and end at 2:30. I am looking forward to it.
Then, out of the blue, friends from high school emailed last week and asked if they could come for a visit tomorrow! What are the chances? I can’t tell you how many days I am here by myself in my PJ’s all day. What do they say – “it never rains but it pours”.
What’s on my mind tonight isn’t the work that needs to be done to prepare lunch for 5 and then dinner for a different 5 on the same day….not quite sure how it’s going to happen – just sure that it will. Nope, what’s on my mind is the emotional toll the spirituality game sometimes takes. It’s always a very useful process, it’s just that I find myself vulnerable and shaky sometimes after and with friends here I’ve not been intimate with in years…well….it’s interesting it’s all happening tomorrow.
I trust that the day is meant to unfold this way. I am pleased about the game and I’m also pleased old friends are dropping by. So….if I stay in the now – which is the purpose of this writing….then everything is just as it should be and I’m looking forward with anticipation to tomorrow.
Sunday, September 6, 2009
Remembering to be in the now...............
Last week I called the Alzheimer’s Association in Huron County and talked to them about what services are available for my mom. At the time it seemed like an unemotional event and I recorded all the information and said I would wait for them to mail the package to me before deciding what further steps to take.
The material arrived Friday. Now I am emotional. I have a lump in my throat as I write this but I’m not sure what the source of my sadness is. Easy would be to say it’s because I’ll be losing my mom, but as I reflected in therapy a few weeks ago, I don’t feel like I’ve ever really known her.
If I look back, it seems that she’s been the person her partners expected her to be. I’m not sure who mom would have been without my dad or Roy. Maybe it’s not even fair to wonder about it, because who would any of us be without our spouses; likely different than we are with them? Nevertheless, I find myself wondering about who she really is, just at the time when even she’s not likely to know.
I called her last week and talked about my seeking information and help for Roy so that he has support. She said she thought it was a good idea. She said she feels so lost when she can’t remember things he wants her to remember. She said, “I want to, but I just can’t and then I feel that I’ve really disappointed him.” She added, “So often I find things in the fridge that I forgot were there and they need to be thrown out and that really bothers me.”
This last statement makes me smile in spite of myself. Our fridge at home was always home to many “growing” things that eventually had to be thrown out. Usually it was one of my older sisters breaking down and purging the fridge when they couldn’t stand it any longer. I wonder if it bothered mom then as well, she just wasn’t in touch with that because she was so busy earning a living and feeding and clothing seven kids?
I’m not sure about any of that, but I am sure I love her and Roy and I will do what I can to help them journey through what will likely be the last chapter in their brief life together. I am aware of the blessing I’ve received not being employed full time right now. I am looking forward to knowing her now.
The material arrived Friday. Now I am emotional. I have a lump in my throat as I write this but I’m not sure what the source of my sadness is. Easy would be to say it’s because I’ll be losing my mom, but as I reflected in therapy a few weeks ago, I don’t feel like I’ve ever really known her.
If I look back, it seems that she’s been the person her partners expected her to be. I’m not sure who mom would have been without my dad or Roy. Maybe it’s not even fair to wonder about it, because who would any of us be without our spouses; likely different than we are with them? Nevertheless, I find myself wondering about who she really is, just at the time when even she’s not likely to know.
I called her last week and talked about my seeking information and help for Roy so that he has support. She said she thought it was a good idea. She said she feels so lost when she can’t remember things he wants her to remember. She said, “I want to, but I just can’t and then I feel that I’ve really disappointed him.” She added, “So often I find things in the fridge that I forgot were there and they need to be thrown out and that really bothers me.”
This last statement makes me smile in spite of myself. Our fridge at home was always home to many “growing” things that eventually had to be thrown out. Usually it was one of my older sisters breaking down and purging the fridge when they couldn’t stand it any longer. I wonder if it bothered mom then as well, she just wasn’t in touch with that because she was so busy earning a living and feeding and clothing seven kids?
I’m not sure about any of that, but I am sure I love her and Roy and I will do what I can to help them journey through what will likely be the last chapter in their brief life together. I am aware of the blessing I’ve received not being employed full time right now. I am looking forward to knowing her now.
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Anniversary muse.....
Having committed to our 20th anniversary trip in January 2010, my wife and I are now intent on imagining the details and remembering our first trip there in 1990. Through these sparks our relationship has been ignited into a roaring fire the like of which we haven’t felt in many years!
I’m amazed at my capacity lately for daydreaming in vivid colour and surround sound. Not only that, I can actually feel the ocean breeze on my face and through my hair when I’m not gazing into green eyes that first captured my attention in the late 80’s.
I used to accept that the passion and lust that exist in the early days of a relationship can’t be recaptured. I used to believe that there were better experiences based in trust, longevity and shared histories. I understood that these gifts were better than lust and lasted longer. I marched to that tune without question; felt safe in the belief actually.
The last couple of weeks have changed my belief window regarding lust in long term relationships.
Since we have committed to “us” by booking this trip, it’s like we lit a match and tossed it into lighter fluid. We can’t get enough of each other and not only that – when we succumb to our fleshly desires – I can’t remember it ever being any better than it is now! I am so surprised and appreciative of this new knowledge!
I am convinced it is in the honouring of each other, the appreciation and gratitude for our relationship and the expectation of what lies ahead that we are blessed with renewed vigour!
I don’t expect this fire to roar continuously. Of course it will need to be fed and attended to, and sometimes – there may be no fuel for it. But as long as it lasts, I plan to bask in the glow. I am blessed in this moment and I am grateful.
I’m amazed at my capacity lately for daydreaming in vivid colour and surround sound. Not only that, I can actually feel the ocean breeze on my face and through my hair when I’m not gazing into green eyes that first captured my attention in the late 80’s.
I used to accept that the passion and lust that exist in the early days of a relationship can’t be recaptured. I used to believe that there were better experiences based in trust, longevity and shared histories. I understood that these gifts were better than lust and lasted longer. I marched to that tune without question; felt safe in the belief actually.
The last couple of weeks have changed my belief window regarding lust in long term relationships.
Since we have committed to “us” by booking this trip, it’s like we lit a match and tossed it into lighter fluid. We can’t get enough of each other and not only that – when we succumb to our fleshly desires – I can’t remember it ever being any better than it is now! I am so surprised and appreciative of this new knowledge!
I am convinced it is in the honouring of each other, the appreciation and gratitude for our relationship and the expectation of what lies ahead that we are blessed with renewed vigour!
I don’t expect this fire to roar continuously. Of course it will need to be fed and attended to, and sometimes – there may be no fuel for it. But as long as it lasts, I plan to bask in the glow. I am blessed in this moment and I am grateful.
Friday, August 28, 2009
Love in the garbage.....
Last night our son came down with a truck and picked up a bunch of junk from our garage. We had missed garbage day a week ago and because of the schedule we would be ten days before the next pick up. Hot August days in Ontario do not lend themselves well to saving garbage.
It might seem like a little thing, but looking more closely reveals it’s a big thing.
He gets up at 5:30 am and drives an hour and a half to his job, and then of course another hour and a half home. We live an hour away from his home. So, yesterday, he spent 5 hours on the road! It only took him 20 minutes to quickly cut up cardboard and pack the truck so that things wouldn’t blow away. Then our six bags of smelly, decomposing crud sat on top of it all and he headed home. There is a dumpster at his workplace and he will deposit it all there in the morning.
I couldn’t even offer him dinner because we had a houseful of guests – so when he left here at quarter to seven he still hadn’t had dinner.
I can’t explain the gratitude I feel for him putting himself out like this for us - and willingly. He acted like it was no big deal.
I know he loves us. I’ve never had a doubt. Still in these expressions – in these moments of love in “action” he demonstrates that in such a solid unquestionable way – my heart swells with gratitude. Not that our garbage is looked after, but that we are blessed with the love of such a wonderful young man.
I’ve been working lately at “being” in the now. Well, in the “now” I am loving my experience with smelly garbage :0)
It might seem like a little thing, but looking more closely reveals it’s a big thing.
He gets up at 5:30 am and drives an hour and a half to his job, and then of course another hour and a half home. We live an hour away from his home. So, yesterday, he spent 5 hours on the road! It only took him 20 minutes to quickly cut up cardboard and pack the truck so that things wouldn’t blow away. Then our six bags of smelly, decomposing crud sat on top of it all and he headed home. There is a dumpster at his workplace and he will deposit it all there in the morning.
I couldn’t even offer him dinner because we had a houseful of guests – so when he left here at quarter to seven he still hadn’t had dinner.
I can’t explain the gratitude I feel for him putting himself out like this for us - and willingly. He acted like it was no big deal.
I know he loves us. I’ve never had a doubt. Still in these expressions – in these moments of love in “action” he demonstrates that in such a solid unquestionable way – my heart swells with gratitude. Not that our garbage is looked after, but that we are blessed with the love of such a wonderful young man.
I’ve been working lately at “being” in the now. Well, in the “now” I am loving my experience with smelly garbage :0)
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Seeing it....finally
Yesterday I spent the afternoon driving my wife to a work appointment. The trip was an hour out of the city so it gave us a nice piece of time together. We took the pooch along. There is always something peaceful about him sleeping in the back seat. It was good.
On the way home we stopped and picked up local veggies to have for dinner. I’m so proud of us. We’ve been eating healthy for 9 days now, the pounds are starting to drop, but most importantly, we’re both feeling better. No more popping Rolaids and groaning after dinner. :0)
Our conversation drifted into the uncomfortable territory of my jobless situation. I shared how I was feeling about needing to decide – job, school or my own business. Then, as she so often does, she said just the right things. “I don’t care which of those you choose. I want you to be happy. I’m not worried. We will figure things out. If you’re doing what you love everything will be good. I don’t want you to take a job you aren’t going to enjoy. You need to “live” in your work. I understand that. What do you want to do?”
There it was……what do “I” want. And because she had created such a safe container for me, I was able to answer – for her and for me! As an extravert it’s often that I work things out as I’m speaking about them. When I start a conversation I truly might not know where I’ll land. That was the case this day. As I shared with her my struggles and my worries, my dreams naturally followed.
“I want to help people. I want to coach and mentor people to be their best. I want to support their growth. I want to make a difference. I want to help. I don’t want to just work for someone else. I can see myself working in my own business and doing great, loving it and being successful – for me and for my clients!” And then I was sure. This is what I want. This is a calling really. I’ve been so lucky to try it on in my last job and prove that I love it and that I’m good at it.
“I do want some technical training though.” I was able to say out loud. “I know it’s a lot of money but it will help my confidence and also it will give me the details I’ll need for clients like you.” I looked at her and smiled. She smiled back. “You’re right. You need the training. You need the training to show you – you know this stuff!”
I was able to name my worry that she didn’t want me to work for myself, that she was worried about money, that she wished I’d just get a job. She told me none of those thoughts were hers.
Before bed I went on line at the local University and registered for the first course required for certification in coaching. It starts the middle of September. I can’t wait. I’m so excited! I haven’t felt this enthused about anything in quite awhile.
Thank you wife of mine. Once again you’ve helped me see.
On the way home we stopped and picked up local veggies to have for dinner. I’m so proud of us. We’ve been eating healthy for 9 days now, the pounds are starting to drop, but most importantly, we’re both feeling better. No more popping Rolaids and groaning after dinner. :0)
Our conversation drifted into the uncomfortable territory of my jobless situation. I shared how I was feeling about needing to decide – job, school or my own business. Then, as she so often does, she said just the right things. “I don’t care which of those you choose. I want you to be happy. I’m not worried. We will figure things out. If you’re doing what you love everything will be good. I don’t want you to take a job you aren’t going to enjoy. You need to “live” in your work. I understand that. What do you want to do?”
There it was……what do “I” want. And because she had created such a safe container for me, I was able to answer – for her and for me! As an extravert it’s often that I work things out as I’m speaking about them. When I start a conversation I truly might not know where I’ll land. That was the case this day. As I shared with her my struggles and my worries, my dreams naturally followed.
“I want to help people. I want to coach and mentor people to be their best. I want to support their growth. I want to make a difference. I want to help. I don’t want to just work for someone else. I can see myself working in my own business and doing great, loving it and being successful – for me and for my clients!” And then I was sure. This is what I want. This is a calling really. I’ve been so lucky to try it on in my last job and prove that I love it and that I’m good at it.
“I do want some technical training though.” I was able to say out loud. “I know it’s a lot of money but it will help my confidence and also it will give me the details I’ll need for clients like you.” I looked at her and smiled. She smiled back. “You’re right. You need the training. You need the training to show you – you know this stuff!”
I was able to name my worry that she didn’t want me to work for myself, that she was worried about money, that she wished I’d just get a job. She told me none of those thoughts were hers.
Before bed I went on line at the local University and registered for the first course required for certification in coaching. It starts the middle of September. I can’t wait. I’m so excited! I haven’t felt this enthused about anything in quite awhile.
Thank you wife of mine. Once again you’ve helped me see.
Monday, August 17, 2009
Beginnning again....
Today I took the plunge and started a nutrition and exercise program. Yikes….saying it out loud like this is a little intimidating.
It’s just time.
Before my sister died I had lost 42 lbs and was feeling so healthy and strong. Since that time (Dec 2003) I’ve put all that back on. When I think about why all I come up with is choices. I chose inactivity. I chose comfort food. I chose portions that were double what I needed. I chose to ignore what my body was telling me. (Hey – you’re creating poor health – stop it!)
So – today I choose something new. I’m going to listen to my body. I’m going to recreate this vessel that houses my spirit. I’m going to attend to my physical health the way I attend to my spiritual health. I’m excited.
Thinking about the loss of my sister in my life I’m remembering the impact seeing her body without her spirit had on me. As I looked at her in the coffin I was overcome by the realization that her body was nothing without her spirit. Her body was not her. Her spirit was her. The vibrant, exciting, captivating woman I knew and loved was not there. Her body truly was empty. Contemplating this, could it be that also our spirit is nothing in this world without our physical form? We need this body in order to be present and grounded here.
I believe my sister is on to her next life, and I also believe she has a new and different body hosting her spirit. That body will be as alive, vibrant and captivating as her last one because her spirit creates that energy.
I need my body, and my body needs my mind to make conscious informed choices.
Today, in honour of my sister, I’m beginning again.
It’s just time.
Before my sister died I had lost 42 lbs and was feeling so healthy and strong. Since that time (Dec 2003) I’ve put all that back on. When I think about why all I come up with is choices. I chose inactivity. I chose comfort food. I chose portions that were double what I needed. I chose to ignore what my body was telling me. (Hey – you’re creating poor health – stop it!)
So – today I choose something new. I’m going to listen to my body. I’m going to recreate this vessel that houses my spirit. I’m going to attend to my physical health the way I attend to my spiritual health. I’m excited.
Thinking about the loss of my sister in my life I’m remembering the impact seeing her body without her spirit had on me. As I looked at her in the coffin I was overcome by the realization that her body was nothing without her spirit. Her body was not her. Her spirit was her. The vibrant, exciting, captivating woman I knew and loved was not there. Her body truly was empty. Contemplating this, could it be that also our spirit is nothing in this world without our physical form? We need this body in order to be present and grounded here.
I believe my sister is on to her next life, and I also believe she has a new and different body hosting her spirit. That body will be as alive, vibrant and captivating as her last one because her spirit creates that energy.
I need my body, and my body needs my mind to make conscious informed choices.
Today, in honour of my sister, I’m beginning again.
Sunday, August 16, 2009
Breaking bread with God......
We had friends over for brunch this morning. For 17 years we haven’t had people for brunch because we’ve been in church. A few months ago we decided to take a break and spend some Sundays at home.
I’ve really missed communion – both in terms of community and the bread and wine. For the last few weeks I’ve been thinking about getting back to church and the routine of worship.
This morning, entertaining two friends I experienced a new kind of Sunday morning worship. As I prepared the hollandaise, juice and coffee I was honouring our friends, my wife and myself. I chopped onions, garlic and celery for the home-fries. I coddled the eggs carefully so that they would be perfect. I set a lovely table in celebration of our gathering.
As the four of us pulled up our chairs and dug into our “communion” I smiled and felt the presence of God.
I expect we’ll get back to church because both of us value the traditional worship, but this morning I also brought to consciousness the sacredness of gathering with friends; the intentional nourishment of body and spirit that happens sharing food and conversation.
I love it when God shows up unexpectedly.
I’ve really missed communion – both in terms of community and the bread and wine. For the last few weeks I’ve been thinking about getting back to church and the routine of worship.
This morning, entertaining two friends I experienced a new kind of Sunday morning worship. As I prepared the hollandaise, juice and coffee I was honouring our friends, my wife and myself. I chopped onions, garlic and celery for the home-fries. I coddled the eggs carefully so that they would be perfect. I set a lovely table in celebration of our gathering.
As the four of us pulled up our chairs and dug into our “communion” I smiled and felt the presence of God.
I expect we’ll get back to church because both of us value the traditional worship, but this morning I also brought to consciousness the sacredness of gathering with friends; the intentional nourishment of body and spirit that happens sharing food and conversation.
I love it when God shows up unexpectedly.
Saturday, August 15, 2009
Tabu for some......
A friend of mine is blogging his experience in preparing for and running an Ironman. He's inspired me to openness this morning as I read his latest entries. He talked about honesty and openness and his belief that this leads to inner peace.
Here goes.
I'm consistently teasing people that sex is only natural; it's not tabu to talk about and why would anyone be shamed about it. And yet, thinking about writing something related to this physical, spiritual, emotional expression is daunting. This in honor of you my blogging friend...
Last night we went to bed quite late and both my wife and I were exhausted. Even so, 30 minutes later we were both still awake. Suddenly without warning her hands were sliding along my hip and waist. Next my back felt the tender trail of her hand. At once I was alive with desire.
As I turned to her and we embraced and kissed I was overcome with the depth of my caring. My heart pounded and I was keenly aware of my physical responses to her touch and to my full heart. A tangle of legs and arms we were soon oblivious to the hour and our tiredness, and what followed proved to be magical.
Afterward lying exhausted side by side we marvelled at ourselves. Do other people feel this great? Why don't we do this every night??!! How can my legs really feel this dead!! My God we are so lucky.
This morning I'm still basking in the glow of explosive emotions and the physical exhaustion that follows great sex. I'm laughing at myself - almost 50. Did I think my sexuality would wain as I aged? I guess so. Fact is it appears to be the exact opposite. Each year that passes I'm still feeling blessed to be loved by such an incredible person, I can't imagine life without her, and I know we are in a state of grace sexually.
In honor of another friend who played poker with us this week, inside I'm screaming, "Thank you Jesus!"
lol
Here goes.
I'm consistently teasing people that sex is only natural; it's not tabu to talk about and why would anyone be shamed about it. And yet, thinking about writing something related to this physical, spiritual, emotional expression is daunting. This in honor of you my blogging friend...
Last night we went to bed quite late and both my wife and I were exhausted. Even so, 30 minutes later we were both still awake. Suddenly without warning her hands were sliding along my hip and waist. Next my back felt the tender trail of her hand. At once I was alive with desire.
As I turned to her and we embraced and kissed I was overcome with the depth of my caring. My heart pounded and I was keenly aware of my physical responses to her touch and to my full heart. A tangle of legs and arms we were soon oblivious to the hour and our tiredness, and what followed proved to be magical.
Afterward lying exhausted side by side we marvelled at ourselves. Do other people feel this great? Why don't we do this every night??!! How can my legs really feel this dead!! My God we are so lucky.
This morning I'm still basking in the glow of explosive emotions and the physical exhaustion that follows great sex. I'm laughing at myself - almost 50. Did I think my sexuality would wain as I aged? I guess so. Fact is it appears to be the exact opposite. Each year that passes I'm still feeling blessed to be loved by such an incredible person, I can't imagine life without her, and I know we are in a state of grace sexually.
In honor of another friend who played poker with us this week, inside I'm screaming, "Thank you Jesus!"
lol
Friday, August 14, 2009
Lesson from my daughter....
Today I had an old friend come for lunch and an afternoon chat. We went to high school together, stood up for each other when we got married, were present as we had children, witnessed each other's marriages ending.
Then our lives carried on and our paths rarely crossed. We were each creating new lives. Over the next 20 years we reconnected rarely. Regardless, today our conversation flowed casually and I saw so many of the little traits I loved about her still present. I remembered why we had become such great friends and I missed not having seen her for so long. She shared easily her recent hurts and concerns and I identified with her.
When I hugged her goodbye I felt the familiar warmth of sisterhood we shared many years ago.
I wonder how long it will be before we connect again. I recognize we've both created lives with demands, activities and people that aren't common anymore. It will take effort and intentional choice for us to have the spark from today ignite into something more sustainable.
My daughter does such a great job of maintaining her friendships. It's one of the things I've admired about her over the years. In spite of work, school, family, partner or personal demands, she's always made time for her friends.
I think I'll take a page out of her book and focus on putting time and effort into old friends.
Learning from the younger generation ~ I love it!
Then our lives carried on and our paths rarely crossed. We were each creating new lives. Over the next 20 years we reconnected rarely. Regardless, today our conversation flowed casually and I saw so many of the little traits I loved about her still present. I remembered why we had become such great friends and I missed not having seen her for so long. She shared easily her recent hurts and concerns and I identified with her.
When I hugged her goodbye I felt the familiar warmth of sisterhood we shared many years ago.
I wonder how long it will be before we connect again. I recognize we've both created lives with demands, activities and people that aren't common anymore. It will take effort and intentional choice for us to have the spark from today ignite into something more sustainable.
My daughter does such a great job of maintaining her friendships. It's one of the things I've admired about her over the years. In spite of work, school, family, partner or personal demands, she's always made time for her friends.
I think I'll take a page out of her book and focus on putting time and effort into old friends.
Learning from the younger generation ~ I love it!
Thursday, August 13, 2009
The first time is awkward....
Am I ready for this? Do I have anything interesting to say? Does anyone care?
These thoughts and others clutter my mind and inhibit my writing. I am ready for this - I must be because I'm doing it. I do have things to say and ~ I need to hear them. Yes, I believe people care.
My intention for this blog is threefold.
1. Get comfortable sharing myself openly - I'm often a better listener and easily focus on the processes of others rather than myself.
2. Create a forum for open sharing - dialogues about experiences, and our responses
3. Learn and Teach
So - with that declaration out of the way....on with the sharing....
I was downsized from my job in January and since that time have been somewhat cacooned. Oh, I'm still engaging with friends and being social, but I've cacooned my spirit, I've pulled into myself as I contemplate my work energies will next be placed.
Planning to attend a charity event last month I was anxious about interacting with people I didn't know. I had anxiety around the inevitable question ~ "What do you do?" Yikes! I imagined my various replies; "Nothing," "I'm in between jobs." "I'm a leadership consultant." "I help people be the best they can be." "I'm looking for work." "I'm a management consultant." On and on I went in my mind, searching for the right response. As it turned out, no one asked :0). I'm smiling as I recognize that's so often the way. I use up valuable "now" time worrying about the "what if's" and often they don't even happen. I can't get that time back and I can't undo the stress I experienced in those moments of anxious worry.
When I was sharing this stress with a friend recently she offered a reply I hadn't thought of. "I'm living off my investments." She suggested that I didn't need to add that my wife was my investment! lol
The learning I've taken from this experience is that I'm now fully motivated to answer questions for myself . What do I do? What do I want to do?
I'm taking some time now, and asking for some help, to clarify my answers so that I can step forward with confidence and enthusiasm.
Well I did it....my first post.
These thoughts and others clutter my mind and inhibit my writing. I am ready for this - I must be because I'm doing it. I do have things to say and ~ I need to hear them. Yes, I believe people care.
My intention for this blog is threefold.
1. Get comfortable sharing myself openly - I'm often a better listener and easily focus on the processes of others rather than myself.
2. Create a forum for open sharing - dialogues about experiences, and our responses
3. Learn and Teach
So - with that declaration out of the way....on with the sharing....
I was downsized from my job in January and since that time have been somewhat cacooned. Oh, I'm still engaging with friends and being social, but I've cacooned my spirit, I've pulled into myself as I contemplate my work energies will next be placed.
Planning to attend a charity event last month I was anxious about interacting with people I didn't know. I had anxiety around the inevitable question ~ "What do you do?" Yikes! I imagined my various replies; "Nothing," "I'm in between jobs." "I'm a leadership consultant." "I help people be the best they can be." "I'm looking for work." "I'm a management consultant." On and on I went in my mind, searching for the right response. As it turned out, no one asked :0). I'm smiling as I recognize that's so often the way. I use up valuable "now" time worrying about the "what if's" and often they don't even happen. I can't get that time back and I can't undo the stress I experienced in those moments of anxious worry.
When I was sharing this stress with a friend recently she offered a reply I hadn't thought of. "I'm living off my investments." She suggested that I didn't need to add that my wife was my investment! lol
The learning I've taken from this experience is that I'm now fully motivated to answer questions for myself . What do I do? What do I want to do?
I'm taking some time now, and asking for some help, to clarify my answers so that I can step forward with confidence and enthusiasm.
Well I did it....my first post.
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