I'll take the clubhouse deluxe.....

Sunday, April 21, 2013 was a BIG day.  We were on the road by 8:15 a.m. heading to Zurich for Kaitlyn’s baptism.  I had filled a cooler with everything needed to make an Apple/Cranberry punch and Ky had added two bags of ice and loaded it all in the van.  We gave a quick call to Jan just to make sure she and Jon were on their way and then we settled in for a lovely drive with little traffic and lots of sun.

As I prepared the punch I could hear Mike and Kim’s voices as they arrived at Rick’s and then I knew Raymond had seen Grandma Ky.  I knew this because I heard his squeal of “Momma!!!!” and could picture her scooping him up.  She told me later the smile on his face when he came through the door and saw her there was a wonderful treat, topped only by his bear hug when she picked him up.

The baptism went off without a hitch.  When the minister did her children’s talk before the service began she talked about Kailyn’s baptism and asked the children who could tell us what being baptised means.  The five children, who ranged in age from 5 to 10 or so, were unable to offer anything in response.  She asked the question a couple of different ways; still nothing.  Showing her good humour she then laughed out loud and said, “Well then, I guess there is quite a lesson just in that isn’t there?”  We all hooted.  I couldn’t agree with her more.  The stained glass windows were radiant with the sun streaming in and Kaitlyn was precious in a white satin dress, nestled in Mike’s arms.  As we sang the final hymn Raymond leaned up to me and asked, “Why is that towel hanging there?”  He was referring to the altar dressing J  I explained that it was hanging there to signify and special place where the minister could stand and talk about God.  I’m laughing inside now as I realize he likely had no idea of what the word “signify” means.

A lovely pot luck lunch was enjoyed following the service and then about 1:30 Ky and I said our good byes and headed to Mom & Roy’s for our time with them.  I was aware of us being what’s called the “sandwich generation” in that we are supporting kids and parents.  I guess in our case, we are actually a “club sandwich - deluxe” as grandkids are also thrown in there.  Whatever we are ~ I suggested to Ky that we slip into Grand Bend before the lake house and pick up a coffee.  We’d had a full day on Saturday and both of us were tired.  Caffeine would be just what we needed to be fully present and more alert for Mom & Roy.

The coffee was a good call because we spent the next 3 ½ hours listening, responding, talking, cajoling, teasing, challenging, hearing, pondering, offering, receiving, grieving and loving.  I don’t know if I can adequately portray what an intimate, honest, enriching afternoon we had.  Mom was amazing in speaking to her experience.  She was open and honest and able to help us understand what she thinks and how she feels.  Roy also opened his heart and soul to us.  I understand so much better now where he’s coming from.  He shared hopes and fears he has.  He talked about some theories he has and he listened intently to Ky and I as we challenged his reasoning.  We were careful to respect his process.  We worked hard to be patient so that he had enough time to fully express himself.  We all shed tears together.  At a particular moment when I was overcome, mom reached out and took my hand.  She held it for many minutes until my tears had subsided and I again engaged in our conversation.  I have to say I cannot remember another time in my 53 years that mom reached to comfort me in that way.  I’m not saying she hasn’t done so – I’m only saying I cannot recall a time.

In the end, the afternoon with Mom & Roy was perfect.  Both Ky and I knew we had made a difference.  We felt loved by Mom & Roy, we loved them back, and they knew it. 

We know there are no easy answers; we're ok with that.

Defining Mom's need......

I’ve been spending more time with Mom.  This is happening because her mind is failing her sometimes (consistently) and she needs some help.  I am working at figuring out exactly what it is she needs and exactly what it is I can offer.  It’s not as simple as I thought it would be.

Usually Ky accompanies me and we’ve made a commitment to go up every other weekend.  This commitment is really more for Roy than Mom.  Mom often forgets whether we’re coming or when we’ve been there – she’s really good at just being in the moment.  Roy on the other hand counts on the visits and support – looks forward to them and remembers them.  I’m learning it’s as important to care for him as it is for mom.

The more time we spend, the clearer it is that mom’s mind isn’t dependable.  It’s not only her mind though, physically in terms of bladder control, she is also compromised.  I’m encountering that deadly combination – incontinence and dementia and confirm it can be nasty. 

 I am a great problem solver.  I don’t panic and I can often just “see” the solutions to complex problems.  That works out well when I have the means and the control to implement the solution I can see.  It is a much more challenging thing to be engage with someone else in problem solving and also to “see” someone else’s solution.

My brother Dan and I encountered that first hand this week.  We were both invited by Roy to attend an assessment that Mom was having at home on Monday.  We were glad to go.  I was happy to have Dan there.  Roy was grateful we came, and mom is always happy to see any of her kids when we “drop in”.  Although this was a planned encounter and Dan and I both booked off work for the morning, to mom of course we had both “dropped in” and she was glad we were there.

The assessment was as you would expect.  Initially the nurse asked mom the questions but as she began to witness mom’s compromised state she turned her questions more to Roy and then, Dan and I

 

In then end, the assessor left with limited agreement on what was going to be helpful and with the assurance that Roy would follow up with clear direction.  Dan and I agreed on what made sense.  Roy wasn’t sure.  He asked Mom what she wanted.  Mom was in tears and said “I guess I should just go to the home and then I wouldn’t be a bother to anybody.

Once again I could clearly see what she needed.  She needed Roy to put his arms around her, tell her he loved her, he wanted to look after her, she wasn’t a bother.  Simple; but no – it wasn’t simple.  Roy also has needs, frustrations, hurts and opinions.  He wasn’t sure his needs were going to be met and so he wasn’t able to respond to mom’s needs in that moment.

My brother Dan was amazing.  He slid his chair closer to mom.  He slid his arm around her back and placed a tender kiss on her cheek.  He said, “Mom I don’t think Roy’s ready to let you go to the home.”  He held her carefully as she wept and wiped the tears from her cheeks.

I on the other hand was not amazing.  I chose to chastise Roy with, “Roy, I am so confused by you right now!  You are a generous loving compassionate man who attends your church every Sunday to hear the message of Love, and yet here in this moment when mom is asking you clearly for an expression or Love – you won’t do it!  You won’t tell her you love her.  You won’t tell her you want to look after her.  I don’t understand."

Silence.  We sat in a circle around their island in the kitchen; Dan holding Mom, Mom crying and Roy and I staring each other down.

In the end, I hugged everyone, told them I loved them and that I had to return to the office as I had only booked the morning off.  Roy and I agreed to meet in two weeks as usual.  Dan stayed for lunch.

I will call today to check in.  I am working at figuring out exactly what it is Mom needs and exactly what it is I can offer.  It’s not as simple as I thought it would be.