I could write a book....

Confidence is a fragile, uncertain quality.  At times when I'm the most confident, or the least; often I cannot discern why.  What I do know is I never display my best when my confidence is low :( .

Recently, my insecurity at an all time high, (for no apparent reason), I suddenly had a bout of uncertainty about my wife's devotion.  My imagination ran wild and I was sure she had no interest in me any longer and in fact fancied another.  I was devasted. 

Keep in mind, this was a story written by me, read by me and believed by only me.  For days I stewed in this boiling pot of emotions.  I was sullen, preoccupied and vacant.  I had trouble functioning.  Heading off to work each day took so much effort by the time I arrived I was exhausted.  When I arrived home I was bereft. 

While my body and spirit were completely depressed and silent, my mind raced.  I added adjectives and illustrations to my story.  This was not only a believable tragedy; it was inevitable.

After a couple of days (that felt like weeks), my wife asked what was going on with me.

I mustered all the courage I had and shared with her what I had discovered.  Once I gave the drama a voice, it spewed out of me, unstoppable until the lump in my throat gave way to sobs. 

Quite obviously my wife found my drama unbelievable.  As much as I had lived the reality for the past number of days, she shook her head at the creativity of my work of fiction and refused to consider it.

"What can I do?"  The simplicity of her question calmed me.  What coud she do?  Well, quite obviously nothing, because she had done nothing to create the drama. 

I was ashamed.  As my insecurity began to dissolve in her arms my embarassment grew.  What had been a crushing reality in my mind only moments before became a crazy notion within minutes.  There was nothing in the reality of our 20+ years together to support my drama.  The flush of humility rose in me as I considered the craziness I had entertained over the past few days.

I had totally abandoned the reality of our love and replaced it with a work of fiction.  I had lived completely in my head and ignored everything around me.  My mind is a powerful force.

Over the next week I swallowed my pride and allowed my wife to forgive my preoccupation.  I focused on her love and forgiveness and transformed my shame into humility.  I let her love me in spite of my imperfections and I was gentle with myself as I gingerly stepped back into our life flow.

When old insecurities and judgements crawl into my consciousness I will trust what I know to be true and dismiss thoughts that do not support my confident self.  I am meant to be wonderful.  I believe I am loved.  I deserve the best and that's what I married.