It's my birthday....

Today is my 58^th birthday and I’ve been laid up with some sort of chest infection for a few days.  I have even been missing work which is not a common occurrence; 3 sick days last year.  Since I slept half the day, I am ushering in my birthday at 12:03 a.m. by writing down my thoughts.  It seems like just the perfect way to start my next year.  I love writing and some people seem to love reading what I write and so, I’ve had the thought to do more of it this year.

Earlier tonight I took down the unused Words of Wisdom coloring book from our bookshelf.  I’ve decided to spend some time coloring.  The first page in the book is the one you see here.  This picture is significant to me.  As I began coloring the page I settled into a rhythm that was peaceful and right.  

When I was growing up things were difficult for my family. Even as I have that thought now, a lump forms in my throat and my eyes sting.  “Difficult”.  I guess that works.   I don’t have an abundance of memories and the ones that I can pull forward are usually “difficult”.  I realize now that I didn’t feel proud of my family.  I didn’t feel proud of my mom and dad, or our home, or our life, or myself.  This stands out now as I color the poppy and have a flashback.

In Brucefield our home had a front flowerbed that stretched the length of the house.  It had various plants in it but the bush I remember, and what impressed me, was the poppy bush.  It was huge and the flowers incredible in my memory.  I remember the stems and leaves being quite furry and a little prickly and when I colored my picture I thought the artist did such a great job of capturing the flower overall. 

I remember the flowerbed as my mom’s.  I can picture her now working in the beds, pulling weeds, trimming back the flowers.  Even though she had worked a full day at the nursing home, she didn’t seem to mind being on her hands and knees in the dirt.  She seems content.  I guess now I can see that she took pride in her flowers.  I was too unaware to see that at the time and my views were colored by my own shame.

What I do remember is our Collie, Ginger, choosing to hide her shame under the poppies.  It was a humid July and Ginger’s coat was long and very thick.  I’m not sure if it was Grandpa McCowan, but I think it was, who took the clippers to Ginger to give her relief from the heat.  But the thing is, he wasn’t good with the clippers.  He could get the job done, but it really was a mess.  Ginger hid in the flowerbed, behind the Poppy bush for a solid three days, refusing to come out.  Mom was clear it was because Ginger was ashamed of the trim job.  I accepted that completely at the time.  I guess, having lived with our Cocker Jack for 13 years and seeing his human-like qualities, I believe it still now.

I love that this memory comes up for me on my birthday.  I have carried shame for 58 years.  Thankfully years of therapy and personal work have eased the burden I carry, but, the memory tonight has highlighted the need for me to stay committed to my unburdening!  The synchronicity of this evening is so exciting for me!  Let me explain.

 I wrote myself a letter for my birthday earlier tonight – before I engaged in the coloring.  The letter was all the things I love about Deborah.  It came easily enough and I’m looking forward to reading it tomorrow morning when I wake up.  I said to Ky, one of the benefits of the short- term memory loss of menopause, is that I very likely will be surprised when I’m reading it in the morning 😉

Back to the synchronicity tonight – immediately that I wrote myself the letter, extolling my virtues, I colored the poppy and remembered my shame.  I even ran the visual of Ginger cowering behind the poppies.  That’s how I often felt as a child.  Trimmed miserably.  Ashamed.  Not good enough.  Unacceptable.    A cur.  To be clear, I don’t blame my parents.  This was my response to the situation I was born into.  This was my response.  Each of my siblings have their own experience, and I respect and accept that we are all unique.

So, the idea of “BE THE BRIGHTEST OF THE BUNCH” never really landed for me as a kid.  The crazy thing is, even at 58 I believe there is time to make this so.  When I wrote my letter tonight it felt right.  I wasn’t ashamed, and I feel proud of the woman I am.

It seems appropriate to close with my birthday message to Deborah.

January 16, 2018

Happy 58^th Birthday Deborah!

This year I want to tell you all the things I love about you. 

I love that you are generally patient and kind.  When you don’t feel that way, you usually bite your tongue until you do.  I love that about you.

I love that you care so deeply about others and often put their needs before your own.  You do this because you sincerely want to ~ its genuine.

I love that you forgive easily.  You can do that because you quickly question your thoughts when you feel hurt, disappointed or angry.  And when you question your thoughts about the feelings – its most often your own mistakes or wounds you discover – thereby releasing others any responsibility for your well being.  I really love that too.

I love that you commit totally your loyalty and invest completely in your closest relationships.  Ky, your children, their spouses, your grandchildren, are a priority to you and you spare no effort in demonstrating your love to them.

I love your sense of humour and your quick wit.  You make me laugh inside so often and that just feels so good!  I think this is one of your best qualities too.

I love that you are not afraid of hard work and you put your best forward most times.

I love that you keep learning and seeking.  You want to improve and do better.  You aren’t satisfied with the status quo.  That’s a good quality I think.

I love that you see your failings – you give credit where credit is due – like with your mom; you give credit to your siblings for doing what you’ve not been able to do.  In that regard, I also love that you forgive yourself for that failing.

I love that you are not shy to express your love of Ky to her or your acquaintances, as well as demonstrate to her in active ways how important she is to you.   I love that you put her first, by choice.  I love that you show the kids how to be in a loving relationship.  Even at 58, physical pleasure and expression of love is important to you and I love that!  Make sure you keep that ongoing 😉.

Finally, I love that you truly care about people, you really want to help people be their best and you can see it in them when sometimes they don’t see it themselves.   I love that about you and I hope this letter helps remind you to do the same for yourself.

Happy 58 ~ this will be a great year.  I just know it.

Love Deborah