Defining Mom's need......

I’ve been spending more time with Mom.  This is happening because her mind is failing her sometimes (consistently) and she needs some help.  I am working at figuring out exactly what it is she needs and exactly what it is I can offer.  It’s not as simple as I thought it would be.

Usually Ky accompanies me and we’ve made a commitment to go up every other weekend.  This commitment is really more for Roy than Mom.  Mom often forgets whether we’re coming or when we’ve been there – she’s really good at just being in the moment.  Roy on the other hand counts on the visits and support – looks forward to them and remembers them.  I’m learning it’s as important to care for him as it is for mom.

The more time we spend, the clearer it is that mom’s mind isn’t dependable.  It’s not only her mind though, physically in terms of bladder control, she is also compromised.  I’m encountering that deadly combination – incontinence and dementia and confirm it can be nasty. 

 I am a great problem solver.  I don’t panic and I can often just “see” the solutions to complex problems.  That works out well when I have the means and the control to implement the solution I can see.  It is a much more challenging thing to be engage with someone else in problem solving and also to “see” someone else’s solution.

My brother Dan and I encountered that first hand this week.  We were both invited by Roy to attend an assessment that Mom was having at home on Monday.  We were glad to go.  I was happy to have Dan there.  Roy was grateful we came, and mom is always happy to see any of her kids when we “drop in”.  Although this was a planned encounter and Dan and I both booked off work for the morning, to mom of course we had both “dropped in” and she was glad we were there.

The assessment was as you would expect.  Initially the nurse asked mom the questions but as she began to witness mom’s compromised state she turned her questions more to Roy and then, Dan and I

 

In then end, the assessor left with limited agreement on what was going to be helpful and with the assurance that Roy would follow up with clear direction.  Dan and I agreed on what made sense.  Roy wasn’t sure.  He asked Mom what she wanted.  Mom was in tears and said “I guess I should just go to the home and then I wouldn’t be a bother to anybody.

Once again I could clearly see what she needed.  She needed Roy to put his arms around her, tell her he loved her, he wanted to look after her, she wasn’t a bother.  Simple; but no – it wasn’t simple.  Roy also has needs, frustrations, hurts and opinions.  He wasn’t sure his needs were going to be met and so he wasn’t able to respond to mom’s needs in that moment.

My brother Dan was amazing.  He slid his chair closer to mom.  He slid his arm around her back and placed a tender kiss on her cheek.  He said, “Mom I don’t think Roy’s ready to let you go to the home.”  He held her carefully as she wept and wiped the tears from her cheeks.

I on the other hand was not amazing.  I chose to chastise Roy with, “Roy, I am so confused by you right now!  You are a generous loving compassionate man who attends your church every Sunday to hear the message of Love, and yet here in this moment when mom is asking you clearly for an expression or Love – you won’t do it!  You won’t tell her you love her.  You won’t tell her you want to look after her.  I don’t understand."

Silence.  We sat in a circle around their island in the kitchen; Dan holding Mom, Mom crying and Roy and I staring each other down.

In the end, I hugged everyone, told them I loved them and that I had to return to the office as I had only booked the morning off.  Roy and I agreed to meet in two weeks as usual.  Dan stayed for lunch.

I will call today to check in.  I am working at figuring out exactly what it is Mom needs and exactly what it is I can offer.  It’s not as simple as I thought it would be.