Last week I called the Alzheimer’s Association in Huron County and talked to them about what services are available for my mom. At the time it seemed like an unemotional event and I recorded all the information and said I would wait for them to mail the package to me before deciding what further steps to take.
The material arrived Friday. Now I am emotional. I have a lump in my throat as I write this but I’m not sure what the source of my sadness is. Easy would be to say it’s because I’ll be losing my mom, but as I reflected in therapy a few weeks ago, I don’t feel like I’ve ever really known her.
If I look back, it seems that she’s been the person her partners expected her to be. I’m not sure who mom would have been without my dad or Roy. Maybe it’s not even fair to wonder about it, because who would any of us be without our spouses; likely different than we are with them? Nevertheless, I find myself wondering about who she really is, just at the time when even she’s not likely to know.
I called her last week and talked about my seeking information and help for Roy so that he has support. She said she thought it was a good idea. She said she feels so lost when she can’t remember things he wants her to remember. She said, “I want to, but I just can’t and then I feel that I’ve really disappointed him.” She added, “So often I find things in the fridge that I forgot were there and they need to be thrown out and that really bothers me.”
This last statement makes me smile in spite of myself. Our fridge at home was always home to many “growing” things that eventually had to be thrown out. Usually it was one of my older sisters breaking down and purging the fridge when they couldn’t stand it any longer. I wonder if it bothered mom then as well, she just wasn’t in touch with that because she was so busy earning a living and feeding and clothing seven kids?
I’m not sure about any of that, but I am sure I love her and Roy and I will do what I can to help them journey through what will likely be the last chapter in their brief life together. I am aware of the blessing I’ve received not being employed full time right now. I am looking forward to knowing her now.
In thinking about your mom, and the comment about wondering who she is when she is the now not likely to know, I am remembering a friend that had a Alzheimer's. He was more able to express himself honestly if he felt safe in the environment that he was in. If he was in an unusual setting, then it threw everything off for him. But as for sharing.... I found him to be more lucid, and deeper in his stories of who he was than most people are day to day. And the other thing was that he didn't used to be that way either. I think Alzheimer's affords the individual the opportunity to be more real. In my work as a volunteer with Alheimer patients, I noted that they didn't bother with facades, they just were in the moment and a said whatever came to them. They didn't act according to how their partners, children, friends expected them to be, but rather they were spontaneous and forthright. Another tip for you to access who your mom is, is through music. Play music for her that she grew up with. You'll be pleasantly surprised to see who she really is.
ReplyDeleteI love you, my friend.